Monday, March 5, 2012

Today was Monday-all day-Monday. 
I was prepared for my classes, I have sub plans ready for Thursday and Friday but I am leaving on a Spanish competition not because I will be in the hospital.  Next week is the last week before grades are due so some of my students are starting to panic.  Every time the response is the same- "should have panicked on test one not now- now is toooooo late."  I realized today that the thing a long for the most is calmness.  Anything high energy- right now is frustrating me.  I wonder if this is normal?   I don't want any drama.  It is such a blessing to have a husband and one boy who are as I lovingly describe them as emotional flatlines.  This is not a bad thing-  It is exactly what I need right now.  Solid, not easily flustered, steady, observers, and above all they are constant and unchanging.  Some may see them as removed but nothing could be farther than the truth.  They are 100 percent invested- therefore they don't have time for petty drama and right now- neither do I.   Everything is put into perspective and their response is only to the things that are important, everything else is just noise.  I posted before and I will say it again- I am not lonely in solitude and quiet. 

I guess my funny anecdote today is that  I feel crappy today, head hurts so bad I am nauseous but  I have spent 4 hours watching the cooking channel.  I want to know if I have any friends that can build me a open fire pit for my yard. I would need a pit and an area for a grate so I can cook outside.  I love stuff like that.  Not fancy just good food with simple proteins and veggies done correctly.   All that and yet the though of food make my gag reflect kick in-  Now there is a lovely thought- gross

Now what you are looking forward to-

The 3B'

bumps:  my bump today is that I have no energy to deal with things that are not important.  My classes-important.  I am invested in my students, they are important.  My own children are  the most important- I am squeezing in a date with each one this week because this little journey is going to be hard on them and while a lot of attention will be put on me- I need them to know that they are center of my world and that I would do anything for them.  Not another adult (other than their father) will come before them and definitely not thing will interferer with that.

battles:  well they are kind-of one in the same- My time is being stolen.  I spent 25 minutes today just getting set up with BCBS personal case manager so that for insurance questions I can go to one person not an automated system.  Then another 10 minutes with a breast surgery coordinator, and 10 with gyn coordinator and 10 with a chemo coordinator. SO now they all have to talk to each other to make it come together.  This is going to make out baseball schedule look like a piece of cake.   I am still praying for no radiation...Fingers crossed!  

My blessings:  BASEBALL.  2 hours of thinking about something other than cancer.  Being a proud mama.  It is escape for them and me.  Baseball is for most people a boring game, but for me it is a game that teaches such resilience.  It is a game of failure and you are exposed 100% of the time.  If you are the batter- it is you against the pitcher- all eyes on you.  If you are the pitcher same thing in reverse.  If you serve it up-you look bad.  In the field, on bad defensive play- your done-  they are being evaluated on every move.  the saddest part about it is that you will fail more than you are successful.  a .333 good batting average that is 3 for 10 (7 misses). OBP in 450 fantastic- means you get on base less than half of the times. 1 error- can loose the game.  You can learn a lot from these boys- They will not give up-despite the fact that the odds are stacked against them.  I am going to need that kind of strength.  
Which brings me to the next blessing- I had a great conversation with a student today.  I am blessed that I am in a school where I can say.  "It is not that I am strong- it is that I know how weak I am and it is God in me that makes me strong".  And she gets it- I am only as strong as Christ in me.  
I am blessed so very blessed-    I have spent some time pondering the things I want to say to people as I am preparing for this journey.  I want those who have had an impact on my life to know it.  So some of you- many of you will be getting something soon.
Tyler Gray-  I am honored, humbled and blessed to have a friend like you.  Momma Miles loves you dearly and I am moved by your act of service.  It may seem simple to you but simple is always best.  
The last blessing today is that I said no- really- I said no.  I will not do that for you- NO.   It was empowering-.  There are lessons being learned.

todays verse that calmed me down was this one:  I hope it brings you as much hope as it did me.
Psalm 55:22
 Cast your burden on the Lord,
and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken

Because of this imperative the promise will happen- I am sustained and I will not be shaken

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