So it has been a really long time since I have done the blogging
thing. I heard so many encouraging words
from so many of you, and then, I stopped.
What is wrong with me? It was and
is such a release and the best therapy. So
I will start again, today!
Where
to start? How about right where I left
off-
Radiation- I
finished my 32 days of radiation and a week later was said to be cancer
free. It did take me longer than
expected to physically heal from radiation but, my body cooperated well with me
and I did heal. What is quite amazing is
that evidence of that radiation is still very visible. I have a nice rectangular 14”X16” mark on my
left chest to show for it. Think of it
this way- the places you want to make
sure don’t see the light of day, is the exact place I have a nice olive skin
tone.
I asked
for a pressure washer for my birthday and I got one. And I went to town, driveway, deck, house,
windows. You name it, it got
cleaned.
I watched a lot of baseball, and then football, the boys won
their division championship. I am a very
proud mom. Both boys traveled during
Christmas break. Steven enjoyed Europe
while Johnathan enjoyed a mission trip to Costa Rica. All was good once again.
Almost one
year to the day since my beginning diagnosis, I went in for a normal CT scan
that turned into an MRI. It all happened
very quickly and for all of you who have been around scans- you know that if
they are fine you may not hear anything for weeks, but if something is not right,
you will almost immediately know. That
was my case. I had the MRI done on a
Friday afternoon and Monday morning at 8:30 my oncologist called to give me the
somber news. IT is BACK.
First I was mad- really mad.
What the heck. I tackled this
breast cancer thing full on. The most aggressive
surgery, the most aggressive chemo therapy and the most aggressive radiation
all for you to say- Sorry it’s back.
Then I was mad at God. Seriously
God? I depended on you and I was
depending on you to take it all away. I
fought a good fight- and I am tired now.
Why do I have to fight another round?
Then I moved to sad because the realization that my stage 2B cancer had
move to stage 4 at what seemed to be overnight.
With that realization my mortality became evident. Not in an “everyone has to die” way but in a
slap to the face “YoU ArE DyInG “way. The
way that says- you probably will not live long enough to see your youngest
graduate from high school. All of those
emotions lead me to where I am now.
I am at
peace. You may find that strange but,
trust me when I say. It is quite peaceful.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like
the idea of knowing that I could be living out my last moments but as I look
back God has been faithful, so faithful to me in the past- he is not going to
stop now. See, death is just the step I
have to take to get into heaven. Everything
else is in His sweet and loving hands.
SO that is where I will leave it today. I have started a new round. I have been through 10 sessions of radiation
to the bone metasis (I don’t know the correct term) on my spine and I am
starting a brand new, fresh off the FDA approval list chemo called
Kadsyla. It has been a tougher, harder
fight than the last one. I have been
sicker, and much more frail yet, God hand is all on this and I am amazed everyday
how He is my provider and meets my every
need before I know I need something.
Bumps: The fear of
missing- missing weddings, graduations, baseball games, the years I was
supposed to share with my husband once the kids were gone.
Battles: strength to
keep working. I need those kids at
school. Their encouragement is such a
blessing to me. I know I need them much
more than they need me.
Blessings: My
family. My husband who is a rock! My son’s
who despite their forgetfulness – they get what is happening and remain strong. I pray they are finding their strength in
Christ. My parents: who came down to
take care of me- and I needed them. I
only hate that they have to do this all again.
My co workers- meals, house cleaning, hugs, notes of encouragement,
notes for my children- I could not do without it. The psalms of confidence!
Verse and song of the day:
God bless you all!
