Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I want a new drug...Take 2

                  So it has been a really long time since I have done the blogging thing.  I heard so many encouraging words from so many of you, and then, I stopped.  What is wrong with me?  It was and is such a release and the best therapy.  So I will start again, today!
                Where to start?  How about right where I left off-
  Radiation- I finished my 32 days of radiation and a week later was said to be cancer free.  It did take me longer than expected to physically heal from radiation but, my body cooperated well with me and I did heal.  What is quite amazing is that evidence of that radiation is still very visible.  I have a nice rectangular 14”X16” mark on my left chest to show for it.  Think of it this way-  the places you want to make sure don’t see the light of day, is the exact place I have a nice olive skin tone.
                I asked for a pressure washer for my birthday and I got one.  And I went to town, driveway, deck, house, windows.  You name it, it got cleaned. 
I watched a lot of baseball, and then football, the boys won their division championship.  I am a very proud mom.  Both boys traveled during Christmas break.  Steven enjoyed Europe while Johnathan enjoyed a mission trip to Costa Rica. All was good once again.
                Almost one year to the day since my beginning diagnosis, I went in for a normal CT scan that turned into an MRI.  It all happened very quickly and for all of you who have been around scans- you know that if they are fine you may not hear anything for weeks, but if something is not right, you will almost immediately know.  That was my case.  I had the MRI done on a Friday afternoon and Monday morning at 8:30 my oncologist called to give me the somber news.  IT is BACK.
First I was mad- really mad.  What the heck.  I tackled this breast cancer thing full on.  The most aggressive surgery, the most aggressive chemo therapy and the most aggressive radiation all for you to say- Sorry it’s back.   Then I was mad at God.  Seriously God?  I depended on you and I was depending on you to take it all away.  I fought a good fight- and I am tired now.  Why do I have to fight another round?  Then I moved to sad because the realization that my stage 2B cancer had move to stage 4 at what seemed to be overnight.  With that realization my mortality became evident.  Not in an “everyone has to die” way but in a slap to the face “YoU ArE DyInG “way.  The way that says- you probably will not live long enough to see your youngest graduate from high school.   All of those emotions lead me to where I am now.
                I am at peace.  You may find that strange but, trust me when I say. It is quite peaceful.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t like the idea of knowing that I could be living out my last moments but as I look back God has been faithful, so faithful to me in the past- he is not going to stop now.  See, death is just the step I have to take to get into heaven.  Everything else is in His sweet and loving hands.
SO that is where I will leave it today.  I have started a new round.  I have been through 10 sessions of radiation to the bone metasis (I don’t know the correct term) on my spine and I am starting a brand new, fresh off the FDA approval list chemo called Kadsyla.  It has been a tougher, harder fight than the last one.  I have been sicker, and much more frail yet, God  hand is all on this and I am amazed everyday how  He is my provider and meets my every need before I know I need something.

Bumps:  The fear of missing- missing weddings, graduations, baseball games, the years I was supposed to share with my husband once the kids were gone.

Battles:  strength to keep working.  I need those kids at school.  Their encouragement is such a blessing to me.  I know I need them much more than they need me.

Blessings:  My family.  My husband who is a rock! My son’s who despite their forgetfulness – they get what is happening and remain strong.  I pray they are finding their strength in Christ. My parents:  who came down to take care of me- and I needed them.  I only hate that they have to do this all again.  My co workers- meals, house cleaning, hugs, notes of encouragement, notes for my children- I could not do without it.  The psalms of confidence!

Verse and song of the day:

God bless you all!