Friday, March 16, 2012

be anxious in nothing

Yeah that title is a lot easier said than done.  I just came home from a baseball game and as I was hugging everyone goodbye it was different tonight.  On Monday the team will leave on tournament and I will not be going.  That alone is shocking enough for all of you who know that I generally don't miss a baseball game that a kid of mine is playing but a tournament in Fort Lauderdale with both of them on the same team is really hard.  When they return everything will be different.  I will be missing the girls, my hugs will feel different, and it will be weird.   I truly felt peoples concern for me as I was leaving.  I had to get out of there quickly because I really was overcome with emotion (so not me).  I wear my emotions on my sleeve but for the first time- I felt weak.  I am praying my spiritual armor back on for a spirit of timidity and fear is not from God.  I am not weak for He is strong in me. 
School was interesting today.  I had to prep the classed for the fact that when I do come back from Spring break- yeah- the girls will be gone and they will want to look but know it is not right and it will just be awkward for all of us until we get used to the fact that- I will still be me- my shape will just have changed.  I am so glad it is Spring break and I am looking forward to my first day to sleep in- that is if I can sleep at all.

Here are my bumps from the last few days:
Focus in school- Mine not the students: Whether we can use the subjunctive correctly in a sentence seems a little petty right now-"Deseo que no (hablas/hables) con tu novio mientras yo estoy a tu lado":  Really want I want to say is- talk to your boyfriend girl- who cares who is around.  Instead- the 3 questions- Are there two clauses:Is there a change of subject:  do you see the word que---why yes it is subjuctive.  SHHH don't tell- I really gave them a study hall today, because I had a few lesson plans to write.
I still can't get my house clean enough.  There is not enough bleach/Lysol in the world to make me think it is sterile-and sadly that is what I feel the state of my house needs to be.
I am tired, really tired because I can't sleep

Battles:  Oh the quilt I feel for not being at the boys baseball games next week.  I know they will be worried even though they say they will be fine.  We are trying to decide what Doug will do- stay with me or let the kids go "alone".  I have a bad attitude right now, part of it is my stubbornness and part of it is hurt feelings.  whatever it is having a bad attitude is not good for me so somehow I am going to have to get over it.  Darn-forgiveness gets in the way AGAIN.  I wonder why our ability to forgive people we don't know is greater than people who are close to us.  
The number of preoperative test is ridiculous.  Tired of being poked and drained of blood- having a port will make this so much easier. 

Blessings:  Beautiful ladies who pull me aside and take their valuable time to truly poor their hearts into me and lift me up in prayer.  Nadine Hinds- thank you for doing that.  I am honored.  To all who joined.  Your prayers are felt. 
 Honest chatter in the classroom today.  A young boy, who I will not name, could not wrap is brain around the whole looking different thing until I said something like"yeah at least I will lose 10 or so pounds"  I wish all of you could have seen both of his hands go up to chest level and and while shaking his head, holding imaginary sugar sacks at his chest and says- so each one weighs 5 pounds?- So funny!
God's perfect plan.  While I may never know the answers to some things, this I do know.  He was preparing me for this moment my entire life.  I know that ever crises I have had, every broken heart, every life lesson learned was preparing me for how do deal with the next thing. Each one of those things taught me valuable lessons for pressure cooker situation and this is a doosie.  I am thankful that He trust me enough to handle this well and I pray I will not disappoint.
I am thankful for sweet text messages from friends that say miss you profe, praying for you friend, or simply good night.  I love you all, very very much.  

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