So it has been a really long time since I have done the blogging thing. I heard so many encouraging words from so many of you, and then, I stopped. What is wrong with me? It was and is such a release and the best therapy. So I will start again, today!
Where to start? How about right where I left off-
Radiation- I finished my 32 days of radiation and a week later was said to be cancer free. It did take me longer than expected to physically heal from radiation but, my body cooperated well with me and I did heal. What is quite amazing is that evidence of that radiation is still very visible. I have a nice rectangular 14”X16” mark on my left chest to show for it. Think of it this way- the places you want to make sure don’t see the light of day, is the exact place I have a nice olive skin tone.
I asked for a pressure washer for my birthday and I got one. And I went to town, driveway, deck, house, windows. You name it, it got cleaned.
I watched a lot of baseball, and then football, the boys won their division championship. I am a very proud mom. Both boys traveled during Christmas break. Steven enjoyed Europe while Johnathan enjoyed a mission trip to Costa Rica. All was good once again.
Almost one year to the day since my beginning diagnosis, I went in for a normal CT scan that turned into an MRI. It all happened very quickly and for all of you who have been around scans- you know that if they are fine you may not hear anything for weeks, but if something is not right, you will almost immediately know. That was my case. I had the MRI done on a Friday afternoon and Monday morning at 8:30 my oncologist called to give me the somber news. IT is BACK.
First I was mad- really mad. What the heck. I tackled this breast cancer thing full on. The most aggressive surgery, the most aggressive chemo therapy and the most aggressive radiation all for you to say- Sorry it’s back. Then I was mad at God. Seriously God? I depended on you and I was depending on you to take it all away. I fought a good fight- and I am tired now. Why do I have to fight another round? Then I moved to sad because the realization that my stage 2B cancer had move to stage 4 at what seemed to be overnight. With that realization my mortality became evident. Not in an “everyone has to die” way but in a slap to the face “YoU ArE DyInG “way. The way that says- you probably will not live long enough to see your youngest graduate from high school. All of those emotions lead me to where I am now.
I am at peace. You may find that strange but, trust me when I say. It is quite peaceful. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like the idea of knowing that I could be living out my last moments but as I look back God has been faithful, so faithful to me in the past- he is not going to stop now. See, death is just the step I have to take to get into heaven. Everything else is in His sweet and loving hands.
SO that is where I will leave it today. I have started a new round. I have been through 10 sessions of radiation to the bone metasis (I don’t know the correct term) on my spine and I am starting a brand new, fresh off the FDA approval list chemo called Kadsyla. It has been a tougher, harder fight than the last one. I have been sicker, and much more frail yet, God hand is all on this and I am amazed everyday how He is my provider and meets my every need before I know I need something.
Bumps: The fear of missing- missing weddings, graduations, baseball games, the years I was supposed to share with my husband once the kids were gone.
Battles: strength to keep working. I need those kids at school. Their encouragement is such a blessing to me. I know I need them much more than they need me.
Blessings: My family. My husband who is a rock! My son’s who despite their forgetfulness – they get what is happening and remain strong. I pray they are finding their strength in Christ. My parents: who came down to take care of me- and I needed them. I only hate that they have to do this all again. My co workers- meals, house cleaning, hugs, notes of encouragement, notes for my children- I could not do without it. The psalms of confidence!
Verse and song of the day:
God bless you all!