Tuesday, August 21, 2012

new day, new drugs

     I am sitting on my front porch watching my dog and cat act like they don't like each other.  The frogs are croaking, birds are singing their last good-nights and crickets are ..well crickets are just annoying.  I really don't care that in some cultures they are good luck.  They are just another nuisance to those of us with insomnia.  The temperature is really nice but, it is eerily very still. The fact that my pets are staying close to the door makes me think a big storm is on the way.  My senses are really on tonight, I am listening to the drum core at the local high school (about 1/2 mile away) practicing.  The sound is disturbed by a motorcycle going by at top speed. You know the ones, little man big fast bike, speeding past you at 100 miles an hour in a residential zone, thinking that death surely could not catch him.  Funny thing I have noticed.  You always seem to be behind them at the next red light.  I always wonder- is that really worth it or even necessary?  I will take the deep thunder rolls of a Harley anytime. I digress, I can smell honeysuckle and gardenia (two of my favorites), and it has rained so much here that everything is deep green.  It is peaceful on my front porch.  While I live in the city- I don't ...very weird.  If you have been to my house- you understand.
     Oh my goodness, I was getting ready to get into a really deep tie to how this is how our relationship with God is on many times and a hawk, a REALLY BIG ONE, landed 15 feet from me on the walkway (rope beside it).  Impressive!  We have a family of hawks I guess that patrol our yard, between the cat and the hawks, very little rodent activity. phew...
Alright, let's go back to the serene setting I had discussed prior to being startled by my flying friend.  So, I always think it interesting that while we say we like things to be peaceful and non dramatic we surround ourselves with drama.  And then we carry on in a way that would suggest things are 'fine".   We get distracted, we look for the nuisances, we point fingers and we make ourselves busy doing things that have little value.  Maybe I am on hyper, super think, over analyze mode but, the learning curve of valuable life lessons has been magnified by 1000 because of breast cancer.  So let me give you the same first paragragh in human form
    I walk through my day pretty lonely, just doing the things that you do.  Others around me, are doing the same thing, just rote, mundane activity, except for that person that I believe earnestly that God put them on the earth just to remind me to be kind..patient (no matter how annoying they are).  I am comfortable but something inexplicably is unsettling.  I am breathing probably a little faster than I should.  I have to remind myself to breath deeper and more slowly.  Then something jolting happens to get my attention and remind me that I have been created for more than "mundane" .  I am pretty darn special and to say that is not prideful or boastful.  I am made in the image of God, indwelled by the Holy spirit, and alive in Christ. That is special, just need the jolt to remind me.

Bumps:  I got my feeling hurt this week a couple of times, and my self- esteem was (is) shaky.  I know that part of this is little journey and it is compounded by some of the drugs I have to take. So the two don't mix.

Battles:  a new family of drugs has been added to my regimen. I have lost sensation in my fingertips and toes (not the big one- so bizarre), so bring on more steroids and some type or nero-something, bring the total to 15 pills 2X's a day.  I am experiencing Pavlov's response to them,  my body knows that while they solve one problem, they create another and it is difficult to swallow two of them in particular.

We are back at school and I so needed the energy that my students give me.  They are fantastically awesome---all of them!
My own personal nurse at MD Anderson.  I seriously have my nurses home telephone number and she has mine.
I got Steven's senior pictures- Richmond Gibbs did a fantastic job.
John and I thoroughly enjoyed Sunday's sermon and spent lunch discussing it- brilliant young man he is.
I am 40 plus years old and I am finally learning how to apply make-up (no  lower-eyelashes and a very thin left eyebrow will do that to you).
Mint ice cream and cherries but never together.
Football sesason- kind-off happy Steven decided to play- it will be a nice change of pace.
Baseball Season- again for John- loving his development
Godly coaches- one can never express how awesome it is to have Godly men invest in your boys!

I am blessed.

Song of the day:

Verse that helped me through today:
Jeremiah 29:12 (i always liked this one better)
When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 


Tuesday, August 14, 2012


It occurs to me that this year is going to go down as one of those "big moment" years.  Over the past few days I have been intent on just getting through the days which is good since the things that are changing are big and I mean BIG things.

School has started.  I really love my job and I love all my students (even though they think that sometimes I don't); I really can't think of a better job.  The problem is- I am beat.  Chemo has taken everything out of me.  I really did not realize how weak I am until now.  All of those side effects that I have been able to ignore all summer, I can't avoid now.  I really don't like not being 100% energy- all the time in the classroom.  The other issues are passing right before me and I am just watching them pass.  I have called these things a problem twice and let's be real- they are not.

All my kids, they know I love them- I will give them 100 percent of me, even if it is less of my 100% before cancer.  It is not any less of me.  The other thing is I have a senior and all that goes along with that.  The pictures, the transcripts, the colleges, the scholarship and my boy is "grown".  Again, not a problem, I have raised him, I am proud of him (really proud of him) and he is ready.  I am really kind of excited to see where God will take him.

So now I am going to let you in on a secret.  I am a little compulsive and I like to know that I have some control in situations.  I prayed last year that God would show me that He is ultimately in control.  And boy did he ever.  He took everything.  He made me see that He is in control of my health.  He picked the right doctors and treatment, He is in control of my job, I struggled to finish last year and He rewarded me by giving me probably the best schedule I have had in years.  He is in control of my strength, always providing me with just enough but never more.  He is charge of my emotions, which lets be honest; with the removal of hormones- those can be tricky.  And even in the midst of having nothing I have everything.  The rat race of "college aplication", everyone trying to out do everyone else to get to the biggest and best college seems very insignificant.  The right door at the right time, God is in the midst waiting for our complete dependance on Him.  So for today-  I will be faithful to show my own children as well as all of those who have been intrusted to me that  God is in charge!  My life is a reflection of that for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and His works are wonderful.

Here is to God being in charge till the end of this season.

Bumps:  1 more chemo session and 6 weeks of radiation
Battles:  cumalitave chemo- it is now wearing this poor girl down
Blessings:  The number of parents who pray for their teachers!  The number of students who pray for their teachers!  The number of smiles I have seen in the last two days of kids who are earnestly happy to see you.  Teachers who invest.   Administrators who are compassionate.  Praying people move me!

I love you all
Now go read  Psalms 139-  and claim who you are in Christ!