Sunday, May 13, 2012

my reflection

I just turned on my computer and saw my reflection on the screen.  Every now and again, I have to take a double take, because it just doesn't look like me.  There are times that I am kind of glad I am on the chubby side.  Now is one of those times.  I have a round ft face..I can wear a hat, I can wear a scarf or I can go bald and I still have a round chubby face.  I am lucky.
So, happy mother's day everyone.  I had a good day, despite the fact that I woke up two days now in a bad mood.  Satan is really trying to steal my joy again and reminding me of my frustrations.  Tomorrow, I go to the surgeon and I am going to have to be very careful with my words.  It has been 9 weeks and I have had plastic tubes (drains) a bigger plastic tube inserted into a large wound, and an accessed port the entire time.  Doug laughed at me today when I compared myself to a Christmas tree.  Seriously, I even have power (as in electric) running to my tubes.  I go back to the one (did you catch that ) 1 day I got to take a shower without being saran wrapped to protect all the tubes and needles.  nine weeks:1 day, seems somewhat disproportional.  how does one nicely say:  In your surgery room you allowed me to be infected with some type of infection that you mysteriously can't seem to name. 9 weeks later I am ready to get on with chemo and I am still waiting on you.  Get it done already.  Hope you enjoyed your jazz festival last weekend while I was in the hospital. (note the sarcasm).  Don't worry- I won't say that- no doctor wants to see his patient get worse.  Just bitter, very bitter.

Bumps:  not health- but my bad mood cannot help in the healing process
Battle:  I am worried about my future.  Very much so.  Everyday they put my chemo schedule off is another day that I am not able to work- next year- and subsequently everything in the future has to change (appointments, reconstruction, radiation,- the whole kit-and caboodle).  The thing that bugs me the most is that it is a problem that can't be solved.  So you just suck it up.

I got three gifts this weekend.  Something special from my sister, something special from a friend in San Diego with an attached note from her son and ex-student and a collection of hats from a friend and fellow baseball mom.  Very Blessed.
I wore my wig to a restaurant on Friday night (both boys had class activities) and a student and his family did not recognize me.  Very cool- I can go incognito.
I got some very cool earrings from my husband and boys for mother's day. 
Church via Roku- the constant gurgling of the vacuum sealer call a wound vac..I sound like a coffee percolator.
Despite my miserable mood, my hubby still loves me.  I warned him that I had a vibrant red aura this morning.

Wouldn't you know that today's sermon was on simply put reconciliation.  Not just with others but with God as well.  Talk about perfect timing.  Turns out- I might have some anger and resentment issues with God himself.  I am working on it, but man am I stubborn.  I just don't want to let go of this time constraint thing.  As if He isn't in control of ALL of my future.  It would be nice if he could give me an agenda.
So part of the blog was to be transparent.  So here I am, frustrated, a little angry and just bummed.  I just need a little time to allow God to refocus me.  Maybe tomorrow I will have some insightful words but today I am just trying to find my way.

Mercy me


  1. Thank you for being transparent. We wouldn't believe you are real otherwise!

    Yesterday's sermon - about another lady who had some issues with God. (note: our Pastor is a 7 year cancer survivor - that's the reason for the lisp)