Well the sun came out in little increments today. While I love the rain, I was ready for some sunshine. My parents are here safely so that is always good, unfortunately they had to drive through rain almost the whole way so I know they are exhausted. I am still thinking on my "preachin" but there are a few things that while talking to my dad today became really clear and it something that I have not blogged about.
I have been reading stories from survivors and just becoming more informed on the whole breast cancer thing. The ongoing theme is fear. Fear of the cancer, fear of treatment, fear of challenges and most of all fear of death. All of the stories are so concentrated with the theme of fear. I am confident that indirectly they are written to promote a feeling of hope but- They are are focused on fear and of course, the overcoming.
Here is the thing- maybe I am just weird but fear is not in my repertoire of "feelings". I don't fear breast cancer. It is a illness, most of the time treatable. The way I see it is no different as the way they treat high blood pressure or ADHD. These are permanent things that are treatable but not to be feared. I do not fear the treatment. It is not a pleasantry that I look forward to but it is part of the solution. It is not unlike healing hurt feelings. You have to face it to get through it. You can't skip steps- you simply put one foot in front of the other until you find yourself on the other side. Physically, I am changed but healing is the challenge. Again, I will say that a scar is simply a reminder of what you went through to be better. It is my little personal rainbow if you will. The last was fear of death. Yeah, not a fear of mine either. While I don't look forward to death, I refuse to obsess about it either. I did not need a cancer diagnosis to decide to start living. I have always been able to enjoy the moment. We are not and have never been promised tomorrow. What I would like to be is less practical. I want to go to Europe but can't justify the cost. I can't even justify the "coach" bag I want. Ultimately if heaven is my worst case scenario, I have nothing to fear.
I believe that God has a way of calming our storms and preps us for what is to come. Kind of like emergency situations with my children. In the moment, your are eerily calm, able to handle the blood , gore and crisis of the situation. It is not until all things calm that you break down. God gives me calm, eerie calm and strength in the crisis, and He will be with me when I transition from cancer patient to cancer survivor. I am a witness to peace that the world cannot understand.
alright enough of that-
bumps- I wore a bra for the first time in months- can I just say- gross. Not the fact that I am stuffing the bra but the bra itself. Surely, I do not miss that at all. I totally understand whole bra burning thing of the 70's. Oh, my red wig was the color of the day. I like PIPI (as in longstockings) she is easy. Insert your own comeback here, I left the door wide open.
battles: Chemo on Thursday. I will be half way done. But, it is not pleasant. Dad, will be driving me there - no that is not a battle just information. Still miss my big boys, Johnathan is bored.
This is my favorite part. This week a friend came to help me do in the floors in my house. Melissa Newport you rock and be patient- that steamer will go on sale and you will have a coupon. You can borrow mine whenever you like.
Kelly, my beautiful niece. Sent me the most incredible box full of pictures of my sister Charlotte and me. She also included a precious heirloom. A book she had given my sister with wonderful quotes of inspiration when she battled ovarian cancer. She gave me the most amazing complement by putting us in the same group. No one fought a harder battle than my sister. I can think on no one that showed more grace and humility than Char. To be lumped in the same basket- such an honor.
Julie Marcher: you should be a writer, your note was perfectly beautiful.
Heather H. I am still praying your prayers and I feel your presence everyday.
I have received a few emails from students- this makes me happy.
Peace-knowing that whatever the future holds for me, is what it is. I am resting confidently in Christ hands.
Verse of the day: John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
An oldie but a goody- It takes a while for the lyrics to start but they are worth a read.
Rich Mullins Peace