It occurs to me that this year is going to go down as one of those "big moment" years. Over the past few days I have been intent on just getting through the days which is good since the things that are changing are big and I mean BIG things.
School has started. I really love my job and I love all my students (even though they think that sometimes I don't); I really can't think of a better job. The problem is- I am beat. Chemo has taken everything out of me. I really did not realize how weak I am until now. All of those side effects that I have been able to ignore all summer, I can't avoid now. I really don't like not being 100% energy- all the time in the classroom. The other issues are passing right before me and I am just watching them pass. I have called these things a problem twice and let's be real- they are not.
All my kids, they know I love them- I will give them 100 percent of me, even if it is less of my 100% before cancer. It is not any less of me. The other thing is I have a senior and all that goes along with that. The pictures, the transcripts, the colleges, the scholarship and my boy is "grown". Again, not a problem, I have raised him, I am proud of him (really proud of him) and he is ready. I am really kind of excited to see where God will take him.
So now I am going to let you in on a secret. I am a little compulsive and I like to know that I have some control in situations. I prayed last year that God would show me that He is ultimately in control. And boy did he ever. He took everything. He made me see that He is in control of my health. He picked the right doctors and treatment, He is in control of my job, I struggled to finish last year and He rewarded me by giving me probably the best schedule I have had in years. He is in control of my strength, always providing me with just enough but never more. He is charge of my emotions, which lets be honest; with the removal of hormones- those can be tricky. And even in the midst of having nothing I have everything. The rat race of "college aplication", everyone trying to out do everyone else to get to the biggest and best college seems very insignificant. The right door at the right time, God is in the midst waiting for our complete dependance on Him. So for today- I will be faithful to show my own children as well as all of those who have been intrusted to me that God is in charge! My life is a reflection of that for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and His works are wonderful.
Here is to God being in charge till the end of this season.
Bumps: 1 more chemo session and 6 weeks of radiation
Battles: cumalitave chemo- it is now wearing this poor girl down
Blessings: The number of parents who pray for their teachers! The number of students who pray for their teachers! The number of smiles I have seen in the last two days of kids who are earnestly happy to see you. Teachers who invest. Administrators who are compassionate. Praying people move me!
I love you all
Now go read Psalms 139- and claim who you are in Christ!