Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I want a new drug...Take 2

                  So it has been a really long time since I have done the blogging thing.  I heard so many encouraging words from so many of you, and then, I stopped.  What is wrong with me?  It was and is such a release and the best therapy.  So I will start again, today!
                Where to start?  How about right where I left off-
  Radiation- I finished my 32 days of radiation and a week later was said to be cancer free.  It did take me longer than expected to physically heal from radiation but, my body cooperated well with me and I did heal.  What is quite amazing is that evidence of that radiation is still very visible.  I have a nice rectangular 14”X16” mark on my left chest to show for it.  Think of it this way-  the places you want to make sure don’t see the light of day, is the exact place I have a nice olive skin tone.
                I asked for a pressure washer for my birthday and I got one.  And I went to town, driveway, deck, house, windows.  You name it, it got cleaned. 
I watched a lot of baseball, and then football, the boys won their division championship.  I am a very proud mom.  Both boys traveled during Christmas break.  Steven enjoyed Europe while Johnathan enjoyed a mission trip to Costa Rica. All was good once again.
                Almost one year to the day since my beginning diagnosis, I went in for a normal CT scan that turned into an MRI.  It all happened very quickly and for all of you who have been around scans- you know that if they are fine you may not hear anything for weeks, but if something is not right, you will almost immediately know.  That was my case.  I had the MRI done on a Friday afternoon and Monday morning at 8:30 my oncologist called to give me the somber news.  IT is BACK.
First I was mad- really mad.  What the heck.  I tackled this breast cancer thing full on.  The most aggressive surgery, the most aggressive chemo therapy and the most aggressive radiation all for you to say- Sorry it’s back.   Then I was mad at God.  Seriously God?  I depended on you and I was depending on you to take it all away.  I fought a good fight- and I am tired now.  Why do I have to fight another round?  Then I moved to sad because the realization that my stage 2B cancer had move to stage 4 at what seemed to be overnight.  With that realization my mortality became evident.  Not in an “everyone has to die” way but in a slap to the face “YoU ArE DyInG “way.  The way that says- you probably will not live long enough to see your youngest graduate from high school.   All of those emotions lead me to where I am now.
                I am at peace.  You may find that strange but, trust me when I say. It is quite peaceful.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t like the idea of knowing that I could be living out my last moments but as I look back God has been faithful, so faithful to me in the past- he is not going to stop now.  See, death is just the step I have to take to get into heaven.  Everything else is in His sweet and loving hands.
SO that is where I will leave it today.  I have started a new round.  I have been through 10 sessions of radiation to the bone metasis (I don’t know the correct term) on my spine and I am starting a brand new, fresh off the FDA approval list chemo called Kadsyla.  It has been a tougher, harder fight than the last one.  I have been sicker, and much more frail yet, God  hand is all on this and I am amazed everyday how  He is my provider and meets my every need before I know I need something.

Bumps:  The fear of missing- missing weddings, graduations, baseball games, the years I was supposed to share with my husband once the kids were gone.

Battles:  strength to keep working.  I need those kids at school.  Their encouragement is such a blessing to me.  I know I need them much more than they need me.

Blessings:  My family.  My husband who is a rock! My son’s who despite their forgetfulness – they get what is happening and remain strong.  I pray they are finding their strength in Christ. My parents:  who came down to take care of me- and I needed them.  I only hate that they have to do this all again.  My co workers- meals, house cleaning, hugs, notes of encouragement, notes for my children- I could not do without it.  The psalms of confidence!

Verse and song of the day:

God bless you all!


  1. No

    I love you so much.

  2. Picture a big set of arms hugging you. That would be me. I'll be sending lots of prayers your way.

    In His Hands....

    1. Liesa... I have shared with you many times since the announcement of your battle that you a true inspiration to me. You have placed others in front of your own needs. You have been strong when you probably shouldn't be considering what it is you are going through. You have sacrificed your own physical self to make my job as a baseball coach easier by being the person that works with the parents so I can do my job. You are a fighter and it is evident in everythinv you have done since your diagnosis.

      I want people to know that as much as you are fighter you are an inspiration to me personally. I was sharing this evening with my wife how you aren't feeling well but fight through the pain toplwait on others. You have sacrificed your time to make it a priority to that our baseball players have the opportunity to get their homework done so you have volunteered to hold a study hall in your classroom on game days. On Monday it was apparent you weren't feeling to well but you not only supervised study hall but you made our team meal in your classroom so that the players were well nurtured for their game that evening. The part that was really special to me was to see your interactions with the players and their love for you. You may or may not realize this but as I watched your interactions together it was obvious the connection you have with your students is far beyond the classroom, they are an extension of your family. It was my treat to witness this take place, it appeared as if you were no longer in pain, and you were in your happy place.

      If I can be half of the person you are I will consider my life a success. You have set the standards very high for all of us. I am thankful I am on this difficult road along with you as God is teaching me things are bigger than my selfish ways. I pray everyday for you and your family everyday to have strength to not give in and stay course on this battle. Love ya girl.... you are such an inspiration. ...

  3. "In God alone...!" Amen.

    I am SO glad you wrote today. The thing is, Profe -- you need everyone's love, comfort, hope... and we all need to know you are okay. That your needs are met. That you are standing strong in the faith. That you are sensing God's presence, comfort, and strength -- Jesus standing by you and with you. I'm SO happy you're writing again!! Your smile is ours!

    You are covered in prayer daily. We all love you!

    "Trusting Him completely ... and He will prove His mercy." What a great song!

    Love you,

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