I am back

Yes, I know, it has been a long time since I posted last.  June 26th, I was reminded by someone special, is too long and people want to know.  The old saying, "no news is good news, pretty much sums it up.  Chemo  of course was not pleasant.  For a week after, I cannot seem to get food spicy enough to taste.  I add rooster sauce to EVERYTHING.  And the constant metal mouth during tat week is horrible but, on the upside, I feel OK.  All of the side effects, have been relatively mild.  Definitely more good than bad days.  My hair is growing back, grey, of course.  I am the 1:4 person that actually is gaining weight while on chemo.  CRAZY.  It actually is a blessing that my body is strong.  I have my 4th session on Thursday and I have not selected (I have but it is a surprise pict) what hair to wear.  All I am saying is..I need to find an outfit to match.

I have been spending a lot of time working on a quilt for Steven.  I have managed to save all of his uniform tops since peewee baseball and now I am almost done.  Every single square sent me on a emotional ride.  I remembered where we lived, a lot about each season but most of all I remember the people.  Coaches, parents teammates- we have been truly blessed to have shared some incredibly special moments with friends.  

Tomorrow, I take Steven to a tournament in Fort Myers.  I am excited a little bit, because I get to see the games.  I will also get to see an es-student play a pro game. Probably going to scoot to Sanibel for an afternoon if I can.  John and Doug will stay back.

Today, I worked in yard, early morning and mid afternoon.  It felt so good.  But the pool felt better.  Did you guys catch that, I can get into the water.  Incision still not completely closed yet (3months later) but I did get the OK to swim but only in my own pool.  We won't even discuss bathing suits-

I will be more diligent to keep everyone up-to-date on how I feel. 

Let's see:

bumps:  I don't feel so sick but, it doesn't take long for tiredness to kick in and remind me that I indeed am going through chemo.  I did not pick up one prescription for one day-that was a mistake...we will never "skip a dose" even for 8 hours again.  What amazes me is how much chemo meds have changed over the last 5 years.  They now can treat side effects with some pretty basic stuff but timing must be almost perfect. Still going on 15 pills X 2 a day but hey-it works.  I also think that my diet helps- totally eliminated anything processed and most all grains.  It is almost completely paleo with the exception that I still allow some dairy.

battles:  This is going to sound ridiculous but it is bothering me and I might just be bitter.  I have notice that very few people make eye contact with me.  not friends, I am talking about, the cashiers, attendants at stores, people in restaurants, and even customer service rep at Norstroms of all places.  First you battle to have men look at your eyes not your boobs and then when you don't have any- there is an awkward "oh heck, where do I send my eyes".   You that know me, no that I will adjust and step into their line of vision, sometimes just to make them uncomfortable. Sometimes I will even take my hair,scarf or whatever off just to make it worse for them. I have walked out of the house with no "head covering" and it is hard for others.  I am pretty comfortable in my own skin that I am not bothered my my bald head or flat chest.  It is where I am right now, it is who I am.  I can choose hair, I can choose to add "enhancements" to my chest but, I will not do it because someone else is uncomfortable with my cancer ridden body.

blessings:  Family who comes to take care of you.  Students who drop by "just because.  Yard work.  Steven pulling out the "pink bat"  for senior pictures.  Good weather.  Today I saw three huge monarch butterflies- beautiful.  I also saw a very pretty black and white spider with a unique web.  I think I will take of picture of it tomorrow.  This coming from a girl who doesn't like spiders- AT ALL.

so that about sums it up for you guys- I will check in tomorrow.

Well the sun came out in little increments today. While I love the rain, I was ready for some sunshine.  My parents are here safely so that is always good, unfortunately they had to drive through rain almost the whole way so I know they are exhausted.  I am still thinking on my "preachin" but there are a few things that while talking to my dad today became really clear and it something that I have not blogged about.
I have been reading stories from survivors and just becoming more informed on the whole breast cancer thing.  The ongoing theme is fear.  Fear of the cancer, fear of treatment, fear of challenges and most of all fear of death.  All of the stories are so concentrated with the theme of fear.  I am confident that indirectly they are written to promote a feeling of hope but- They are are focused on fear and of course, the overcoming.
      Here is the thing- maybe I am just weird but fear is not in my repertoire of "feelings".  I don't fear  breast cancer.  It is a illness, most of the time treatable.  The way I see it is no different as the way they treat high blood pressure or ADHD.  These are permanent things that are treatable but not to be feared.  I do not fear the treatment.  It is not a pleasantry that I look forward to but it is part of the solution.  It is not unlike healing hurt feelings.  You have to face it to get through it.  You can't skip steps- you simply put one foot in front of the other until you find yourself on the other side.  Physically, I am changed but healing is the challenge. Again, I will say that a scar is simply a reminder of what you went through to be better.  It is my little personal rainbow if you will.  The last was fear of death.  Yeah, not a fear of mine either.  While I don't look forward to death, I refuse to obsess about it either.  I did not need a cancer diagnosis to decide to start living.  I have always been able to enjoy the moment.   We are not and have never been promised tomorrow.  What I would like to be is less practical.  I want to go to Europe but can't justify the cost. I can't even justify the "coach" bag I want.  Ultimately if heaven is my worst case scenario, I have nothing to fear.
    I believe that God has a way of calming our storms and preps us for what is to come.  Kind of like emergency situations with my children.  In the moment, your are eerily calm, able to handle the blood , gore and crisis of the situation.  It is not until all things calm that you break down.  God gives me calm, eerie calm and strength in the crisis, and He will be with me when I transition from cancer patient to cancer survivor.  I am a witness to peace that the world cannot understand.


alright enough of that-
bumps- I wore a bra for the first time in months- can I just say- gross.  Not the fact that I am stuffing the bra but the bra itself.  Surely, I do not miss that at all.  I totally understand whole bra burning thing of the 70's.   Oh, my red wig was the color of the day.  I like PIPI (as in longstockings) she is easy.  Insert your own comeback here, I left the door wide open.


battles:  Chemo on Thursday.  I will be half way done.  But, it is not pleasant.  Dad, will be driving me there - no that is not a battle just information.  Still miss my big boys, Johnathan is bored.


Blessings:
This is my favorite part.  This week a friend came to help me do in the floors in my house.  Melissa Newport you rock and be patient- that steamer will go on sale and you will have a coupon.  You can borrow mine whenever you like.
Kelly, my beautiful niece.  Sent me the most incredible box full of pictures of my sister Charlotte and me.  She also included a precious heirloom.  A book she had given my sister with wonderful quotes of inspiration when she battled ovarian cancer.  She gave me the most amazing complement by putting us in the same group.  No one fought a harder battle than my sister. I can think on no one that showed  more grace and humility than Char.  To be lumped in the same basket- such an honor.
Julie Marcher:  you should be a writer, your note was perfectly beautiful.
Heather H. I am still praying your prayers and I feel your presence everyday.
I have received a few emails from students- this makes me happy.
Peace-knowing that whatever the future holds for me, is what it is.  I am resting confidently in Christ hands.


Verse of the day:  John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.


An oldie but a goody- It takes a while for the lyrics to start but they are worth a read.
Rich Mullins  Peace

almost half way done with chemo

On Thursday of this week I will be half way through the chemo portion of my "treatment".  I think I have had every obstacle a person could have.  As far as the last infection, we believe we took care of it so no more surgery or hospital stays-yeha!

Doug is with Steven in North Carolina and I miss them.  I wish I could go to GA to watch him play and see so many friends from SFC and friends from college but alas, I will be-busy trying to build up an ever dropping white cell count.

John and I have enjoyed each other's company. Yesterday was an awesome lounge day.  I absolutely love rainy days.  He reads, I read- he plays video games and I watch cooking shows.  yep that about sums it up.

Today I participated in a webinar-yes my kind of learning (kenesthetic, visual, and audio).  Crazy but I need them all.  We will see if I can make the ipad not just a tool in the classroom but essential.  Of course, the learning starts with me.  I also her from my friend and co spanish teacher that AP Spanish Lit can earn you up to 11 credit hours.  That sounds like a lot- can anyone verify.  We both believe that is a lot credits but hey if you score a 5 on Spanish Lit- you deserve every last credit.

here they are the 3 'B" s

bumps:  I just realized that I will not be done with chemo by the time school starts.

battles: My skin does not like tape, plastic covers, gauze, or anything that stays on it for more than a few hours (allergic reaction = antibiotics)
I miss my big boys.  Even though when they are here it still is quiet in the house.

blessing:  My parents will be here tomorrow.  Rainy days. clean bill of health going into 3rd chemo round,  I had the best peach for breakfast today.  Great devotionals each morning.  I have had some really good AHA moments reminding me that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

Just a quick check in---sermon coming.

how quickly we fall back.

It is pretty amazing how we fall back on our own strength when things go well.  Can anyone give me an amen on that.  My chemo treatment was well, a chemo treatment.  Nothing unusual, nausea, pain yucky mouth (orbit is no help.  Maybe I should get them on false advertisement), and tiredness.  I have still been able to get a lot of things done.  I refinished the deck.  Pictures will be posted later.  And I began the gift for Doug for Fathers day which I was frustratingly not finished. I got a thumbs up on healing from surgery-yet I still have an open wound- gross.  I have been cooking up a storm- so spicy- I can't get any dish spicy enough.  I have found a new comfort food.  Mashed garlic cauliflower,smothered of course with shiracha.  I have felt pretty good- aside from today.  I have literally slept 18 hours.  I woke up to start laundry and cook breakfast, then slept till about 3.  Woke up in time to cook linner.  Spaghetti squash and meatballs, ok by I over cooked the squash.  I say all of this to remind you of one thing- We always fall by on our own strength.     

    I felt so proud of my accomplishment and if the truth be know I think I was seriously looking for "wow how do you do it".  Pride...I hate that sin!  yes, I did some pretty amazing things for being on chemo but I did some pretty stupid things to.  Like push my body more than I should have.  I totally sent Steven and John to a baseball game in a torrential down pour because I did not have the strength to go because of course- I tried to be superwoman and quite literally had to sleep.  Turns out- I missed a great game with great performances from both my boys.

    Pride hides itself so many time behind good intentions and good deeds.  We do things because we want people to be impressed.  Business is how my sin manifest itself.  You see, and the good things I did were truly qualities of the proverbs 31 woman and yet not if I am seeking a complement.  Twisted.

So lets start again:

Bumps: Did you read the above confession?

Battles:  Refocusing, on the the giver of health, and life.

Blessings:  Conviction in gentle ways.  See mine was that today I could not muster the strength to get out of bed.  I could not do it, there was no "pushing through it" no "get up and go".  

 I have tremendous kids and husband.  Our family is a neat, truly neat unit. We all have a qualities and they work so well together.  My husband is happy I finished the deck and does not feel disappointed that I did not finish the garage. 

I get to have Doug and Steven home for about a week then they are off to High Point North Carolina and Marietta Ga for a two week baseball trip.

I am blessed- so blessed.

Please forgive the prideful heart. 

Verse of the day:

proverbs 11:2

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, 
    but with humility comes wisdom.

Song of the day"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfosSggwQS0

Alrighty then...let's paint

Chemo round two was today and because it is day one I feel good.  Really I do.  Let me begin by saying that the staff at MD Anderson is Orlando is great.  Since it was storming when I arrived, I paid for valet parking.  It is a small price to pay when one is worried about the purple wig place ever so gingerly on her head.  The attendants all gave a cautious "should we comment look" until I said- "I didn't want to get my bald head wet, that is a really bad look".  Then they knew it was OK to smile and laugh. Reminder, when valet parking your car in the rain- always leave a bigger tip.  Infusion was long and tedious.  Almost 6 hours today- but I had an art teacher/survivor come in a load me up with some paint, brushes, easel and I was off.  Time literally passed so quickly that I did not finish.  Barb F. I thing you would be proud. My beautiful aunt Jo came to the house and spent the afternoon with me and cleaned my kitchen.  I feel like such a tool because I of course slept.  Steven and Doug are off to Jacksonville for a baseball tourney.  Johnathan's game was canceled due to rain, He was home so that was good.  I really feel good, tiredness has set in- again.  Of all the side effects that I could be having that is one I will gladly suffer through.  Tomorrow should be interesting, lots of running around with John, I need him to go on and get that permit so all I would have to do is ride.  But , when I really think about it I am kind of glad he still "needs" me.

Bumps:  Long, long day sitting in a solitary room.  Since I have an open incision still I am in solitary while on the chemo pods. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me since we still share the bathrooms with everyone.  I like the pods much better, you get to talk to others, share with others, and just feel like your one of the group.

Battles:  2 down 4 to go!  I am praying to not get discouraged and realize that it is only temporary.  I trained for a mini triatholon for more time than I will be on chemo drugs.  So for all of you "athletics serve no purpose" people.  I beg to differ in opinion.  A life a "training" has prepped me for this.  

Blessing:  So many kind words of encouragement today.  I am so blessed to know that I do not stand alone.  

    While on my way to appointments the other day, I was singing a Chris Tomlin song (loudly) in my car and the word forever struck me.  Particularly in a praise song.  "Forever" seems to be one of the words like "awsome" and "fantastic"- that are so frequently used that the power behind them is lost.  I tell my husband, children, students and friends.  I love you forever, or I will be forever in you debt but I can only love for a finite amount of time.  Let that steep in for a little.  I can love for the moment of birth(mine or theirs) till the moment of death. The emotion can continue, you will argue, after one dies for the living.  But it can not be shared. 

  I really hope that we are not looking for deep dogma or doctrine in simple, truly simple words. His forever is infinite.  Before conception till after death, forever is truly forever.  That is how God rolls.  Don't over think- just soak up the fact that He, God, maker of heaven and earth loves you FOREVER!

I have been bombarded with little tidbits of blessings in the last few days that it would be nearly impossible to mention them all but I would be remiss if I did not quote a pastor friend.  he quoted "How many times have I left the throne of grace unattended because I was too busy bowing at some thrown of sinful humanity"?  We are such creatures of judgment.  We constantly compare ourselves to others.  Sometimes it is good that we recognize of faults but most of the times we do it to boost our own self-centered attitudes. I thought about that for a while and know that too many times I have forgotten the God's grace. I want to live in a love centered, grace given place.  Idealistic, yes- but in my life and for my convictions, I would rather accept someone where they are than leave them discouraged, quilt ridden and with with no hope for the future.  For we have all sinned and fallen short, lest we forget.

Song for today:  Chris Tomlin "how can I keep from singing your name"

Verse for today:   I Corinthians 9:19-23(message)

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!

 

it all works out!

Well, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 2 (I hope).  Since my phone was accidentally dropped to the floor, I have not received, the remember you have an appointment call, which I totally bank on.  My calender was also on that phone so no luck there either. I sure do hope I don't have anything earlier.


Good weekend- I was productive not to my normal standard but productive non-the-less.  I finished painting my room at school, finished up a few letters of recommendation(still need to tweek), and did my own laundry room. I spent a couple of hours in my favorite store- IKEA.  My laundry room looks like a department store- it is awesome.  Still need to finish up a couple of spots but I am pleased.

Bumps:  no phone- ykes- I am attached but alas I have not started tweeting yet so I guess I will survive.  I guess I should figure out what my land line number is---no, I will have my new phone by 10 tomorrow.


Battles:  Still waiting for the incision site to close.  This has been a very long and tedious journey.  Wound vac is very effective but my skin sure did not like the tape that vacuums everything.  It is more a lesson in self control- I can't lift or move like I normally would so- I have had to learn to adjust how maneuver with a limited left arm. Kind of creepy to think that there is a wide open hole in you at all times.  Every now and then I would glance down my shirt and can see muscle tissue.  That is a good visual for you but it sure is better than feeling like a christmas tree.


Blessings:
I feel good.  I am happy that I got my laundry room detailed now on to another.  Kitchen is done, garage is done, laundry room I guess I will move to my room and the closet.  But that should only take an afternoon at best.
I got a Chris Tomlin Cd from Heather and is on repeat play in the car.  Funny thing is I was getting ready to buy the itunes Cd but never got around to it- again God hears and answers.
I got a sweet message from Lindsey saying she though of me while listening to Jason Mraz- (the song below).  While I am not a big Jason Mraz fan I did particularly like the lyrics to this song.  It really does describe me now- I will not worry my life away, and the comedy of the seriousness is quite ironic.
I spent the day at IKEA and lunch at whole foods with Doug.  It dawned on us on our way home that in three short years it will only be us.


While reading the lyrics to the song below, it made me think about how much time we spend as parents worrying about foolish things.  Are my kids grades high enough, will they get into the "right college", have I exposed them to enough, have I exposed them to too much.  I have always pushed my kids to do thier best and am generally not satisfied if that goal is not achieved.  But, I have also come to realize that the right opportunities always present themselves (you don't need to be pushy), the right door always opens and precisely the right time.  I say this because I am now the mother of a senior boy.  Over the last 12 years I have learned many things-but this is a big one- Strong, fair consistent discipline covered with mercy wins every time.  In my house, we are rooted in scripture and the knowledge that the rules of the house apply to all (including me).  The song reminds me that I don't have to worry- God, is looking out for my children.  His plan is always better than mine.  I won't worry my life away- I cherish everyday with them for soon they will be gone.


Steven, I love you.  John, I love you too!- now do your chores.


Be a blessing to someone.

almost a week

Well, finals are over and kids are out for the summer.  Not so much for the teachers.  We never stop.  One might think we do, but we really don't.  I have started (and finished). some letters of recommendation for next years seniors, I am beginning to pain my room, and revamping some lessons that did not work so well.  We never stop learning so we can constantly teach an ever changing "learning culture".  How am I doing these things while having cancer.  Well it is simple- they must be done.  Oh and chemo is still on hold while I have an open wound in my chest.  


The wound is shrinking.  It is about 5 inches long, about an inch wide and only 1/2 inch deep now.  The shop vac- has also been on hold because I have had an allergic reaction to a solution to cleanse the skin (yeah).  I have always said.  "Liability clauses were written into things because of me"  You have to laugh at the odds.  JP drain for a month- check; staph infection-check, chemo starts/lose hair - check; start chemo-start hot flashes- check, new surgery-check, stop chemo-check, redo all of the above- priceless.  I get to do everything two time.  I felt like I did so well the first time (note the sarcasm).  Oh well, it is summer so I have time and energy.
That pretty much catches you up on me but oh has so much happened.  Can't wait to get to blessings!


bumps:  patience-still have not learned or refined this skill yet. 
battles:  open wound really does mean that I am walking around in pain. I cannot afford to be taking pain pills all the time- too much to do.  So I have gone back to controlled breathing and distraction (reading, painting, cooking, anything that makes me not think about the fact that I have a piece of gauze over a wound.  Kudos to Taina Glemser today.  She wanted to see it, but not really.  So I showed it to her and she did not pass out.  Great job.


Now my blessings:
I have to tell you the big  one first.  I got a message that one of my students from SFC (California) wanted to skype with me the day before they graduated.  I was so excited that I was going to skype, I could not wait to tell him how proud I was of him.  The next message from him was- there is a group of us that want to pray over you and just lift you up.  Wow- generally it is me praying for them and they want to pray for me- so incredibly humbling.  By now the idea of skyping prayer was crazy.  I was so antsy, truly ecstatic about our "prayer meeting".  So- when they got back from their senior trip- They called, we prayed and I felt so blessed but wait- it gets better. Every year senior students have a project to raise money for their senior gift to the school and as it turns out -as a class they gave me (little ole me) a generous donation to offsets the medical cost.  It was almost to the dollar what we need.  God is amazing.  


Again- I go back to the people doubting our future.  If you could see my students, all of them, you would see that there is a generation of children who see needs and answer.  A generation that listens to God's voice and who will change the future.  Have faith- I see them every day, I pray for them every day and I know that God will do more than I can even imagine, so the future is good.  


To all, and I mean all of my students- Know that I have faith in you!  I see your awesomeness! and I treasure each of you!  You make my life better because I have had the PRIVILEGE of being your teacher.


Other blessings, John had to stay with me this weekend.  He had a few things to do with his classmates (ready for summer), that we did not go to the baseball showcase Steven and Doug went to. He is a lovely companion.  Steven did well at showcase and now the cage is being used a lot more (minus the rain).  


Song of the day- Casting Crowns - Jesus friend of sinners



My prayer:
  Dear Jesus, 
Remind me that I was the wounded woman at the well, and you sat and spoke with me, yo extended grace and love to one that was undeserving.  Please keep me so broken so I can always see that you are good, and your love endures forever, for me as well as every other sinner around me.  You lead me by mercy, allow me to lead by love and mercy as well.