Sunday, I love Sundays

It does not matter that I am in the hospital I love Sundays.  I particulary love that while I was watching church being live streamed, I chatted with the tech guy.  I kept looking at the number of online viewers and just this morning at 9:00, 700 people were watching. God works on line- pretty cool.

So as you guessed, still in the hospital, so bored.  I walked a mile today.  I only had to walk 22 laps around the floor.  It actually is kind of funny.  Sadly, it probably took me 22 minutes.  My day consisted of eating walking sleeping and eating again.  I love that I have a partner, he is about 6'4".   Don't get excited, it is my IV stand.  Still on antibiotics and better yet- no answers.  Maybe tomorrow.

bumps:  no answers and I have not seen Johnathan in 2 days

battles:  see above. I still don't feel very good. 

Blessings: 

 The nurses believe me when I say "fevers coming".  Has this happened to anyone else.  Hands and feet drop about 30 degrees (only in you mind)  Doug says mine are the same but if I lay them on my leg there is a clear difference.  Then in 15 to 20 minutes...fever.  Now they give me acetomenaphen right when I say..my hands are cold.

I felt good enough (in the morning) to walk.  That is the first time in a long time.

Got lesson plans done

Got some sweet emails from students and has a nice visit with Jason Kimack

My husband just sits beside me while I sleep.

The blessing of feeling like I was at church despite the fact that I was not

Great nurses today

so my little preachy moment

 I have an aloe plant.  I can’t kill this thing.  I saw it on the beach years ago and ripped of a little portion of it and thought- I will try to plant it.  If it takes great, if it doesn't well, at least I tried.  The thing is, this plant is now growing out of control.  It is trying to break through the flower pot barrier.  The sides of the pot are barely containing this thing.  I definitely need to transfer this plant somewhere where the boundaries are more open.  Maybe I should divide the plant and set in many different planters so that it can continue to flourish.  It is ironic isn’t it.

Here is the irony.  Yesterday, I said, I am going to be praying Hebrews 13: 20-21 so that I would be renewed, refreshed and energized.   Before I really woke up, I had the old hymn “what a friend we have in Jesus going through my brain”.  Before I could even utter the words,” Now put you together, provide you with everything you need to please him,” was reminded that Christ is in me.  I cannot contain Him.  I am like the flower pot.  He is what comes out of me.  All of the off-shoots that have been taken from the vessel and being replanted somewhere else are going to grow and grow and grow.  Like that aloe plant, it can’t be killed.  He will be glorified. 

We wear ourselves out chasing what we already have.  And our obedience to Him is never wasted.

enjoy the song called walk on water by Britt Nicole

Pulling my hair out!

No, really I am pulling my hair out and it doesn't hurt.  My goal was to shave my head (al estillo Brittany Spears) before  the prom and show up with a 3guard burr cut. with some phenomenal earning I found on clearance.  Well, that did not happen.  Let me catch up up with what I do know (because Doctors are cryptic).  I know that Friday I was admitted to the hospital.  They did not know what was wrong but I had run a fever for 5 days (bad when on chemo). So no broad spectrum antibiotics for me lets jump to Vacomyacin for starters while we try to determine what the heck is going on.  I got a new member on my team, his name is Dr. Wang and he is an infectious disease specialist. so right now I have a cutter, druggie,plastics,and now a germ on my team (surgeon, oncologist,contour specialist, and infectious disease).  I should be honored but I would really rather not.  Blood cultures were taken, and nothing is growing in the blood so that is good.  Cat scan showed a lot of fluid under part of the incision scar and at the site where my drain was.  Started a new antibiotic drip. This one is called Piperacilin and Tazobactam.  With all my newly acquired medical expertise I know that the longer it takes to drip the more caustic it is.  Good thing this one only take 6 hours for this tiny vial.  The surgery group got called in and I had another little minor procedure done today to remove the fluid.  It was amazing how much lighter my arm felt after fluid was pulled from my chest.   The surgeon who came in today to do my work- about 34 and for you grays anatomy people very McDreamy.  He was actually kind-of taken back when I watched the whole thing (needle going in and all).  The fun part of today.  My hair is officially falling out.  Not little stands. If you were to walk into my room (805 ORMC) and you would think I had a long haired German shepherd under the bed.  yep- that about should catch you up.


bumps:  Prom was tonight, and I missed it.  I missed being a chaperon.  I said it. I like chaperoning  prom.Not to mention, Steven looked so handsome when he came to see me before.  Pinstriped dark gray suit, burgundy notes..a very bold statement. (I refuse to wear the standard black boring tux).  It is however just a moment in time.  But a moment I won't get back.  On a slightly more cynical side.  Since when is 3 oz of protein a serving size.  Dear hospital nutritionist.  I am a woman of girth who follows a very paleo diet.  GIVE ME MORE PROTEIN. I feed my dog more protein than that and he weighs 17 pounds.


battles:  I am 100% dependent on drugs that I can't pronounce to quite literally keep me alive. I am 100% dependent on the people (dr. nurses, techs) to administer them correctly or- yep I could die.  Even though you they are going slowly going through an IV- I still taste and smell them.  
Story:  I remember things based on smell.  I have always had a strong but sensitive olfactory system.  Today,  I kept inhaling knowing that the sent was not in my room but I could taste it..weird. For the longest time I could not place it- then it hit me.  Seriously, I could not have been more that 5 when I went with mom and dad to a medical clinic on the coast in Honduras right after huracan FIFI.  My job, because I was young was to count pills and put them in bags.  It has to be antibiotic related, but I can smell it.  I bet the people in the pharmacy wearing hazmat suits putting this IV solution together for me would call CPS for letting such a young child handle drugs.


blessings:  I managed to get a set of papers graded today (hahahaha).  Funny when I see the stack. very disproportional.
Despite the fact that I woke up in a foul mood (really it was bad), God turned it around once Doug got to the hospital.  
coconut water...
The immediate relief felt in my arm when some of the fluid was removed.  amazing
I took a shower-I realize that is not a big deal.  But, it is when you are in the hospital and you have NO DRAINS- praise God!
Steven and friends came to see me before prom and besides looking amazing- you made my evening!


My brain was lazy today.  I don't think it is "drug" related but it may be.  Tomorrow. I am praying Hebrews 13:20 and 21.  I need refocus, direction and strength.  I need to fuel up.  I really have nothing today, not over thinking anything just going to bed.  Going to bed.  tomorrow will be a new day.


The song I include is one of my favorites.  General meaning:  Be humble enough to be used by God.  Enjoy!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9nAnmctPnc

Viernes, Viernes

So tomorrow they decide to keep me or not.  So I am thinking- do I pack a bag or not. I would rather quite honestly be there.  I can't see things that need to be done nor do I have to remember to take medication.  They do that for me. 
Today I had 3 big accomplishment- I showered, cooked dinner and got myself connected to the school.  To which I promptly sent out emails to parents with a misspelled word.  Crazy.  That is it.  I feel asleep outside in the sun, under a blanket in Florida.  Yes to most it would be hot but to me it was wonderful.  I soaked up a lot of vitamin D.  May I recommend that everyone get some.  Not the kind you get in a bottle, or a jug a milk.  No the real stuff- from the sun!  My day was really uneventful.


Bumps: Really going to miss seeing my boys play baseball tomorrow night, but even more I am going to miss serving them their pregame meal.  Fajitas. I really enjoy that.


Battles:  I have no thermometer it seems.  I have seating and chills.  No in between. Still the whole weakness thing.


Blessings:  I was able to sleep a lot today.
God provided just enough energy to get things I wanted to do done.  Dinner and a shower- not high expectations but more than I though I could do.
My chicken and dumplings was really good tonight if I do say so myself.  I never use recipes so you never know.
I had a lot of very encouraging words today.  
I am so incredibly at peace and not nervous today- it definitely is a God thing.


This is what I ponder- I don't know what the future holds and it is OK.  I know I am getting weaker everyday and that is OK because I will never be to weak to pray.  This bothers some people.  I have had friends/students/unknown people say- How would a God so full of love like you say let this happen to you.  You are a good person..WHY?  
My response today is a little more in- your face (more like me).  It is easy, maybe, juuuuusttt maybe, it is because of you.  Maybe you are supposed to see God through me.  Maybe I am a reflection of Him.  Maybe I go through this- so you will see the wonderful characteristics of my God through me.  Crazy thought right.  God did not pick or single me out to have breast cancer, but he did trust me to bring him glory.  For all my nay-sayers----this is for you.  God loves you so much that he trusted me to show you His characteristics.  You see it is not about me.  hopefully you will take notice.


quote of the day- stolen from a status (I will not tell a lie)


Lo que no puedas resolver hablando hazlo orando, lo que no puedas solucionar de pie hazlo de rodillas, porque Dios hará por tí lo que tu no puedas hacer.


What you can't resolve for yourself, resolve it by praying, what you can't resolve standing, do it by kneeling because God will do for you what you are not able to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJmyg22Z9-o

Panic!

If you have been following you know that I have run a low grade fever for a few days. I have not been at work, I did however make it to the boys baseball game for a little- but that is all I had.  For the past 2 days my drain output doubled and  I had a lump under my arm about the size of a lemon, so doing what you do, I called the doctor. I know these are not good things- hence the call.  Saw him today.  We did the small talk- how you feeling to which today I said- I feel crappy.  This caught him by surprise because generally I am pretty upbeat. Then he did the check- He opens my robe (remember modesty means absolutely nothing to me now) and I saw panic on his face.   Doctors, particularly surgeons are good at disguising this- no today buddy-I think I heard an expletive come out of his mouth. His words were- that red mark?  since this morning I said. There was what seemed like an eternity of silence (probably 30 seconds)- that is staff infection, we have 24 hours to treat you and if you are not receptive to the antibiotic I give you within that time we are admitting you.  He turned and left the room.  I could hear him on the phone with my oncologist (who is across the hall) along with the words- Cipro won't touch that. I can only assume he was upset that on Friday when I called with a fever, she called something in, not insisted on seeing me and prescribing Cipro.  So Long story short, I am officially immuno suppressed and have a staff infection.  If I am not better by Friday morning I will be admitted (to the hospital not the psyche ward).  
I am glad that it is being address quickly but- I saw panic.  Now I realize I have pretty good people skills and I pick up on things pretty quickly but panic is not what I expected.  Now I am panicked...thanks a lot.  I was told not to do anything (1 step short of bed rest).  Great, lesson plans for two days.  For those of you who are not teachers, let me assure you that the last thing teachers want to do is be absent- it is twice as much work.   This is just another bump- hahaha- I have a bump where my bumps used to be.


bumps:  I am sick. Really sick and I have lesson plans to write..
battles:  Did you know that 1:5 people that have surgery end up getting a staff infection and generally the only place to infect yourself is the hospital.  I think my biggest battle right now is that I am weak and having to admit that is difficult.  


blessing: I got the most beautiful gerber daises from Janell today.  My most favorite flower of all time.  I took a most excellent trip with her through yellowstone (miserably cold) but such a great trip.
I have a doctor with urgency.  He is making me panic, but it is better than a lackadaisical attitude. 
I was going to drive myself to the doctor today and I just could do it- so Doug did.  He is pretty awesome that way.  On Monday, I got a beautiful chain that had the word "brave" on it from friends in the office and it makes me feel that way.  
I know to most of you this would not seem like a blessing but I was in and out of SAMS in 20 minutes and under 150.


Well folks- I am going to write some lesson plans
I love you all

been awhile

I have had a few thoughts stirring in my cerebro for a few days; trying to put them all in order and I have a jumbled mess of really good thoughts that make no sense together.  I wonder where God is going with this.  Let me put some of them out there.  


So prom is Saturday (I am chaperoning and making my husband go).  I am so playing the cancer card on that one.  "Honey, I will be so tired- you will need to drive me home- it is a safety thing you know".  But, the girls  are excited and antsy.  They are worried about the "right dress" and the "right shoes".  What they want their hair to be like.  Funny- that is not my concern- by that day I should be completely bald.  I may even rock the bald look just for the occasion. Anyway, it concerns me.  Don't get me wrong  They should want to look their best.  On this night,they should shine.  My concern is what is driving them.  Who   is the judge of pretty vs not?  And why would their opinion matter?  I teach strong girlies.  Girls with intelligence and poise, girls with sass and charisma.  Why on this day, do they cave into societal norms?  Why one this day, does the slutty dress win over the classy dress?  Why does dance become grinding?  So my words, not that they are listening is:  be confident in who you are not what you look like. DO NOT SETTLE for anything that does not appreciate that!
God defines beauty. Now my criticism to the boys is even more harsh.  Seriously guys,  you only want to go with the ones that look good in the picture.  Remember that the words you say do two things.  They edify or the destroy.  Choose wisely!  Remember that you are called to be the head of your household one day and they way you treat girls today will leave an impact.  Appreciate the beauty of Gods handiwork- that includes characteristics more than physical appearance- that will fade.   Whew- I feel better now.


Another is the idea of being in constant communication with God.  As in it should appear that I am talking to myself, constant communication.  Dedicated prayer time should be 24-7.  Not the OOOOhhh Lord Jesus, Maker of heaven and earth, be with your humble servant type prayer; the type of prayer that says -sure could use a nap right now but I am at this job, you know the one you gave me, not sure I am going to be any good for the next class, any ideas? Every captive thought- What I am realizing is....that is more difficult than saying from 5:30 -6:00 I am praying.  I am also realizing that my brain is so easily distracted.   The doctor says there is no such thing but I believe that Chemo brain is real.  I feel like I am in high school again.  Never focus, just managing to get things submitted(most of the time) but hey.I was happy. Just like now.


ohhh I digress-


bumps:  district playoffs are this week and I am a bundle of nerves for my boy.  A lot of pressure on him, team captain, best batting ave in the league, and best on base percentage in the league. He knows the pitchers are coming for him.  Those of us that know baseball know that baseball is a cruel sport.  I must say though his calmness something to be admired.  I am praying for no injuries (like the ones you get from a curve ball at your head to back you off the plate).


battles:  chemo brain- which they say is not real- bologna!  If I am not writing it down- I am not remembering it.  Foggy brain- a note to students..do not take advantage.  Thank you notes, I know I have to but I am overwhelmed by everyone's help.  I don't know where to start.


blessings:
41 kids in Spanish II and Spanish III received National Spanish Awards. There are roughly 130 kids took the test.  For a small christian school- that is a big number.  Very proud of them.  Evidence that higher standards are effective.  Kelly Raines, you rock.
I am feeling much better.  Energy up a little, but stomach is for the most part settled.  
I HAD A CUP OF COFFEE!!!!! so good.
It is getting easier to say no, I am not able to do that.  Funny how when you really can't-it is very easy to say.
I have been praying my friend Heather's prayer over me and God's power is evident.  Something I will definitely put into practice.  Writing and sending prayers to people.  The gift that keeps on giving.  God's word never comes back empty. 
Understanding that going to bed at 8 or 9 is a good thing for me.
Understanding that God supplies all my needs- priceless.
For people that make good walls.  Everyone has a few of these people.  The one you day- just stand there, listen, do not respond, do not give counsel, just be a wall.  They listen, and then say- done?  good have a great afternoon.


I spoke to a friend today.  Our husbands were in the same unit,and have been close friends for over  20 years.  We became friends becuase they were.  After time in the Air Force we each went different ways and we have been in contact (christmas card, graduation Ohio state vs Penn football, Browns vs. the yellow flag waving people from that town across the river) but today we called and actually spoke.  Life takes us different places but , Jill, my friend, I admire you!  You served our country well!  You deployed too many times, leaving your children behind.  You raised beautiful children.  It is OK that life is now taking you somewhere different.  God has ordained each path and has directed your ways.  May His gentle hand lead you through the "new".  LOVE you and always praying for you and yours.


Thought for the day:  try to for a 12 hour day, hold yourself accountable to being in communion with God.  Every thought captive, not one moment is spent without you reminding yourself that God is with you.  It is harder than you think, and yet it is a command- with a promise (that will be tomorrow)

song of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXDGE_lRI0E&feature=related

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Alright so last nights blog, even if truthful was sad and depressing and that is not what I want to show you. Agreed those of you who know me know that a simple pleasure is a great cup of coffee and to not handle the smell of coffee is poetic justice.  Today i am feeling much better, the bone ache is down tremendously (hips still hurt) but everything else is tolerable.  Nausea- well lets say I tried peppermint tea today and that seemed to keep me "settled".  I planted some peppermint earlier this year so, I see me using this plant ferociously.  


Your words of encouragement on facebook last night were amazing.  I truly do not stand alone.  I can feel each of you holding my hand through this trip.  I have true pray warriors on my side as well.  Thank you!


It is Thursday- so if I can make it through one more day I will have worked the entire week!  OK- that may not be impressive for you, but I think it is, and I am going to take my victories where I can get them.  I feel bad for my dog though, he has not left my side and I just can't make myself take him for a walk.  I feel asleep at 4:30.  slept till 7 and I am pretty sure I will be out by 9.


bumps:  I am going to fall behind on grading.  Us teachers generally spend a good 2 hours everyday grading but mine is spent in bed.  Maybe, we will be doing more in class assignments.


Battles;  I know this is repetitive but you poster child for ADHD has NO ENERGY.


Blessings:  If we dig, really dig, it is in our weakness that God not only showers us with grace  but provides EXACTLY what we need.  Make it clear, not what we want but what we NEED.  I cannot tell you enough how ridicously awesome my students are.  They have not skipped a beat, still rambunctious and fun but they know where there line is and they are not crossing it.  Such a blessing to know that I can leave the class, yack, come back and they are still working.  (many dont even notice).  I don't know if you are aware but I had to change rooms this last summer and I was kind of upset that I got put on the backburner (corner) of the campus but now- so happy- I am right next to the bathroom.


Steven hit a home run tonight-deep center field- of course I missed it but- he has worked so incredibly hard and it just shows that perseverance and hard work pay off.


Some friends  gave me a drink called FRS-  provides just the right balance for energy, just have to time them right.  


I will close with a quote that I am stealing off of my aunts facebook post and a song that I have been singing all day.  I do think that if I continually praise that is where my heart will be.



Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ― Lao Tzu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDNi5eCigqw

I know that I am being changed.  Sometimes that is incredibly painful, sometimes it is not. I love how God is gentle, even when the change is drastic even violent,  May I be changed!  It is your will not mine.

oh it is for real!

I just wanted to update everyone because it has been a few days.
Yes, I am still here, I am not sure I have all my mental facilities but I am here none the less.
Chemo is for real.  And it for real is kicking my butt.  There are certain smells that I can't handle (coffee being one of them) and certain foods I can't begin to stomach (pills are giving me a run for my money).  The Nuelasta shot (the one that raises your counts) yeah, that one- HURTS.  I swear I can feel cellular respiration in my bones.  Imagine shin splints in every bone.  Bones you didn't know exist hurt.  So you can say I feel pretty crappy.  
I have made it to work everyday.  I have sat in a very quiet, dark room during my preps but I have taught.  I did send a student out of my class today(clearly had a fever).  We have begun the process of cleaning desk before the day starts and when the day ends.  I have not lost my temper yet, but it was close today.  The sad part is you feel it happening and you have such little control.  


Pretty sure the doc is not going to be happy with me- lost 7 pounds in 3 days..but I am drinking my water.  Fortunately, that is one thing that stays down  
Fatigue- oh yes- I have that too.  Seriously, do not have any energy.  This is difficult for me, because I am a pretty active teacher.


Well negative nancy--  lets make this better


bumps-please see above.  I will not repeat them- they are on auto play in my mind.
battles:  need some energy- no amount of B vitamins, quercitin,- can't handle caffeine is working but I have to work so I am going to need something.


blessings:  I have lost 7 solid pounds (no need, I know, I will gain them back as soon as I can eat solid foods)
I am able to work.  I hope, if not in just a little part, kids see, that it would be easy to give up, even stop teaching and it may be excused but, that is not what my job is.  I will teach until I simply cannot do it (and then you will have a sub).  Got my hair cut again.  Almost a buzz cut, think I may go back tomorrow and have her buzz it off.  
Got my wig and received a purple wig (very cool) one from a student.  
I have still been able to make lunch and breakfast for the boys (something I like to do).  Sadly though I think they are realizing that momma is pretty sick.


Through it all, I still remain steadfast.  God's provision will be on me.  I have nothing less than to trust.