Hola everyone,
Monday here, spring break is right around the corner. I am needing a break from 5:50 AM. Today, I am feeling much better than yesterday. I only had one mistake today. I confused the dinner schedule for Varsity instead of JV. Corrected- so we are all good. The students at school are so stressed out this week- you can feel the tension in the air. I almost feel guilty giving them assignments but, hey I have a job to do. I had a lovely chat with two beautiful girls today. It always feel good to hear the students. I also dashed out of school to get a massage(so nice) and on my way to Johns's game, I stopped and got an assortment of cupcakes. Game, cooked dinner and now I am sitting down to journal.
"Consider it pure joy" , I came back to that line several times during the day. I love how god uses friends to remind you that there is nothing He doesn't know, nothing he hasn't endured and nothing is out of his control. So consider not just OK but consider it pure joy. Pure joy can be found in the middle tragedy. Pure joy can be found in tragedy. I would like to say that I have found my true joy but alas I have not. What I have found is a reason to consider it. I do hope all of you will as well. James is one of those books in the bible that makes or should make "christian types" tremble. My kind of guy-James. He speaks-in your face- truths. So I will consider it pure joy that I will have hard times because I have a promise that comes with it.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Did you catch that promise: perseverance, maturity, complete and not lacking anything. So what you are trying to tell me sir is that this will make me stronger is biblical? OK- I can do this.
Bumps: Once again I had a blonde moment. I sent out a reminder email today- asking for someone to fill in the varsity team meal tomorrow. The problem is that Varsity is not home tomorrow- JV is. It all worked out- like it always does. Many of you will not get my funny story of the day- but for those of us who read and write in two languages equally will. Setting: Spanish I class. Situation: giving direction to an assignment
I gave elaborate directions to the class and asked if there were any question and one student says "mas despacio por favor profe" so of course I gave the same spiel much slower and louder to find that the response had not changed (imagine deer in the headlight). Now frustration is kicking in and I give the directions to them again, louder, more emphatically with hand gestures. Then I ask- Why is this so difficult for you - you act like I am only speaking Spanish or something? The class erupted in laughter as I then realize that indeed I was speaking in Spanish- they really could not understand.
So there is my bump- I have lost my marbles.
Battles: One word -anxiety- I just want to get started! The baseball family lost a mom this week to breast cancer. She was diagnosed stage 4 and had been fighting for a while. her children are in the 8th and 4th grade. It is scary when even though the severity of our cancers are different it is still breast cancer. It rocked me more than I care to acknowledge.
Blessings: God's word. I received a prayer today from Heather. It is amazing how powerful God's word is when prayed for someone. It does not matter if it is yelled, cried, groaned by the Holy Spirit or in written for as mine was today. It is so empowering and there is no denying it's strength. I have made a note that a written prayer is such a blessing.
I do not have to worry about my job for next year.
Did I mention the massage and cupcakes?
We thought John had lost his phone- yet it was found on the team bus.
We thought Steven car wouldn't start today- but it did
Spring baseball is always a blessing
Doug got to spend sometime with Cher, Frank and the kids.
Did I mention the massage and the cupcakes.
hey- whatever you are going through. It could be a big something or a little something. It could be a load you cannot bear alone. It may be a load that you have shared do this "Consider it pure joy." That is your goal for tomorrow.
I am praying for all of you.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
So it has been a few days since my last post. Let me catch you up.
Thursday I was at the Spanish competition with 16 student and dear friend Kelly Raines. I spent two days there. So happy to know that the students did their best and it showed in the results. Friday I did leave a little bit to go for a fitting for my new self. I have to get a special one since my back has been used to carrying around an extra 7-10 pounds. I can see how this may affect my posture. while I was there I got to experience all of the silicone replacements and even the custom replacements- so creepy. As I am in there I am thinking- I could go into business making products for breast cancer except for I would have to deal with insurance companies all the time. So maybe not, but someone should definitely come up with some prettier products. Saturday, I administered the SAT. That was not fun, but my job was definitely more fun than the kids who were taking the test. I got home around 2:00 and I went out on my special date with John. Once home, we found out that Cher and family would be at the house so we spent the next four hours cleaning like crazed people. It was quite humorous even though I did have a total melt down about half way through. Now everything is done. But, cleaning was not on my agenda that day so today I spent grocery shopping, grading papers and getting schedules settled for the week.
I am looking forward to this week being over. John has games on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Steven has games Tuesday and Friday. They both have quarter test what seems to be everyday. This is perfect, a week full of normal. And I mean that, no sarcasm, I love normal. My normal, while busy and even hectic at times is normal for us. Everything is scheduled, there is a time and a place for everything. Does that make me OCD?
I was unable to go on my date with Steven due to the rain. Looks like Wednesday is the day for me and my boy.
Here are my bumps:
I still feel like my time is being stolen from me. I have everything scheduled. From doctors appointments to baseball concession stand and everything in between. I get frustrated when more is expected of me and I am supposed to be nice about it. Here is my lesson learned: I will be able to say NO when this is over. It will not make me mean- it will make me stronger. Problem is- i don't like being perceived as mean.
Battle:
I am really starting to struggle with the "radicalness" of the surgery. It hit me as I am getting molds of my tatas for a a couple of prosthesis. Then you see the model of what I am going to look like- It really is awkward. Then to hear "it is only temporary" really makes me angry. No it is permanent, my boobs will be gone and the new things I get will be my stomach reformed to look like breast. Then we want to know what I am going to do with my hair. To which the answer is nothing- I won't have any. This is where that all american superficiality comes in. It is about what we look like - not the battles we fight to stay alive. Hey folks I have cancer, if it is in my lymph nodes- it could be spreading as we speak. How about you let me get healed and then we will worry about my lack of boobs or what my cute little haircut will be.
blessings:
Spanish Competition. It was wonderful to see kids preform well and confidently.
Being able to monitor and administer the SAT. So much is put on the value of that test and while I was administering and the kids were so stressed. I could see value in each of the students there. I know them more that any test can measure. There were quality kids in that room and the world will be better because of them.
I am so proud of my boys. Yesterday, in the middle of my melt down, they completely understood. They cleaned, they did everything I asked them to do and more. They are at baseball 3 -4 hours a day, in honors classes and some how keep it all together.
My date with John was a good time. John is a wonderful, loving son. I am blessed !
Did I mention that there are only 5 days till spring break..yep that is a blessing.
I am definitely looking forward to spending time with just the family this weekend.
God is really working on me. That is always good but it is always scary because it means we are going to have to submit something.
Thursday I was at the Spanish competition with 16 student and dear friend Kelly Raines. I spent two days there. So happy to know that the students did their best and it showed in the results. Friday I did leave a little bit to go for a fitting for my new self. I have to get a special one since my back has been used to carrying around an extra 7-10 pounds. I can see how this may affect my posture. while I was there I got to experience all of the silicone replacements and even the custom replacements- so creepy. As I am in there I am thinking- I could go into business making products for breast cancer except for I would have to deal with insurance companies all the time. So maybe not, but someone should definitely come up with some prettier products. Saturday, I administered the SAT. That was not fun, but my job was definitely more fun than the kids who were taking the test. I got home around 2:00 and I went out on my special date with John. Once home, we found out that Cher and family would be at the house so we spent the next four hours cleaning like crazed people. It was quite humorous even though I did have a total melt down about half way through. Now everything is done. But, cleaning was not on my agenda that day so today I spent grocery shopping, grading papers and getting schedules settled for the week.
I am looking forward to this week being over. John has games on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Steven has games Tuesday and Friday. They both have quarter test what seems to be everyday. This is perfect, a week full of normal. And I mean that, no sarcasm, I love normal. My normal, while busy and even hectic at times is normal for us. Everything is scheduled, there is a time and a place for everything. Does that make me OCD?
I was unable to go on my date with Steven due to the rain. Looks like Wednesday is the day for me and my boy.
Here are my bumps:
I still feel like my time is being stolen from me. I have everything scheduled. From doctors appointments to baseball concession stand and everything in between. I get frustrated when more is expected of me and I am supposed to be nice about it. Here is my lesson learned: I will be able to say NO when this is over. It will not make me mean- it will make me stronger. Problem is- i don't like being perceived as mean.
Battle:
I am really starting to struggle with the "radicalness" of the surgery. It hit me as I am getting molds of my tatas for a a couple of prosthesis. Then you see the model of what I am going to look like- It really is awkward. Then to hear "it is only temporary" really makes me angry. No it is permanent, my boobs will be gone and the new things I get will be my stomach reformed to look like breast. Then we want to know what I am going to do with my hair. To which the answer is nothing- I won't have any. This is where that all american superficiality comes in. It is about what we look like - not the battles we fight to stay alive. Hey folks I have cancer, if it is in my lymph nodes- it could be spreading as we speak. How about you let me get healed and then we will worry about my lack of boobs or what my cute little haircut will be.
blessings:
Spanish Competition. It was wonderful to see kids preform well and confidently.
Being able to monitor and administer the SAT. So much is put on the value of that test and while I was administering and the kids were so stressed. I could see value in each of the students there. I know them more that any test can measure. There were quality kids in that room and the world will be better because of them.
I am so proud of my boys. Yesterday, in the middle of my melt down, they completely understood. They cleaned, they did everything I asked them to do and more. They are at baseball 3 -4 hours a day, in honors classes and some how keep it all together.
My date with John was a good time. John is a wonderful, loving son. I am blessed !
Did I mention that there are only 5 days till spring break..yep that is a blessing.
I am definitely looking forward to spending time with just the family this weekend.
God is really working on me. That is always good but it is always scary because it means we are going to have to submit something.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Mustard Seed
hey guys,
SO I skipped yesterday and I almost skipped today. I am tired and I can't really explain why. Oh yes I can..It is the fact that I can't seem to sleep at night. Understand, it is not anxiety, or stress- it is insomnia. Thanks mom!
I made cookies yesterday. Johnathan stayed at home today. There were 6 cookies when I got home, which I promptly took care of. They were delicious. But of course they were. I made them and more importantly they had 1 and 1/2 stick of butter. Why wouldn't they be delicious.
I am trying to keep my routine as normal as possible until the last possible minute. I am going to be selfish with my family the weekend of the 16th. This Saturday I get to proctor the SAT whoo yooo!
Here are the 3B's of the day:
Bumps: Starting to feel a little anxious and having to work through it. Watching the calendar days slip by me is frustrating.
Battle: I don't know how to prepare my family for the unexpected. Heck, I don't know how to prepare me for the unexpected. I am trusting in God fully. I know what is on the schedule but I don't know what comes with that.
Blessings: I have a pretty flexible job. I can eat anything I want now. No dieting- bring on the white stuff (flour) , butter,sugar,chocolate and pasta. I feel like it is my job to get my plastics guy something to work with. I have a group of teachers that would give me their sick days if they allowed to. I have great students that when the pedal meets the metal- they do the right thing. I am absolutely confident that I will get through this. I have total peace.....
Let me fill you all in-
Surgery will be the 19th (bilateral masectomy), a port will be installed. I will feel like the "borg" is taking over my body (resistance is futile). That is what the chemo will tell all of my little fighting cells as it raids my body. On a good note I will be eligible for medical grade, pill form mj. My oncologist said that it is WAY overrated. I will not know until after surgery how many sessions I will do but it looks like no radiation. Reconstruction will take place on June first.
It is all good- I know that I have more faith than a mustard seed so I can move mountains.
Thank you all for your prayers
SO I skipped yesterday and I almost skipped today. I am tired and I can't really explain why. Oh yes I can..It is the fact that I can't seem to sleep at night. Understand, it is not anxiety, or stress- it is insomnia. Thanks mom!
I made cookies yesterday. Johnathan stayed at home today. There were 6 cookies when I got home, which I promptly took care of. They were delicious. But of course they were. I made them and more importantly they had 1 and 1/2 stick of butter. Why wouldn't they be delicious.
I am trying to keep my routine as normal as possible until the last possible minute. I am going to be selfish with my family the weekend of the 16th. This Saturday I get to proctor the SAT whoo yooo!
Here are the 3B's of the day:
Bumps: Starting to feel a little anxious and having to work through it. Watching the calendar days slip by me is frustrating.
Battle: I don't know how to prepare my family for the unexpected. Heck, I don't know how to prepare me for the unexpected. I am trusting in God fully. I know what is on the schedule but I don't know what comes with that.
Blessings: I have a pretty flexible job. I can eat anything I want now. No dieting- bring on the white stuff (flour) , butter,sugar,chocolate and pasta. I feel like it is my job to get my plastics guy something to work with. I have a group of teachers that would give me their sick days if they allowed to. I have great students that when the pedal meets the metal- they do the right thing. I am absolutely confident that I will get through this. I have total peace.....
Let me fill you all in-
Surgery will be the 19th (bilateral masectomy), a port will be installed. I will feel like the "borg" is taking over my body (resistance is futile). That is what the chemo will tell all of my little fighting cells as it raids my body. On a good note I will be eligible for medical grade, pill form mj. My oncologist said that it is WAY overrated. I will not know until after surgery how many sessions I will do but it looks like no radiation. Reconstruction will take place on June first.
It is all good- I know that I have more faith than a mustard seed so I can move mountains.
Thank you all for your prayers
Monday, March 5, 2012
Today was Monday-all day-Monday.
I was prepared for my classes, I have sub plans ready for Thursday and Friday but I am leaving on a Spanish competition not because I will be in the hospital. Next week is the last week before grades are due so some of my students are starting to panic. Every time the response is the same- "should have panicked on test one not now- now is toooooo late." I realized today that the thing a long for the most is calmness. Anything high energy- right now is frustrating me. I wonder if this is normal? I don't want any drama. It is such a blessing to have a husband and one boy who are as I lovingly describe them as emotional flatlines. This is not a bad thing- It is exactly what I need right now. Solid, not easily flustered, steady, observers, and above all they are constant and unchanging. Some may see them as removed but nothing could be farther than the truth. They are 100 percent invested- therefore they don't have time for petty drama and right now- neither do I. Everything is put into perspective and their response is only to the things that are important, everything else is just noise. I posted before and I will say it again- I am not lonely in solitude and quiet.
I guess my funny anecdote today is that I feel crappy today, head hurts so bad I am nauseous but I have spent 4 hours watching the cooking channel. I want to know if I have any friends that can build me a open fire pit for my yard. I would need a pit and an area for a grate so I can cook outside. I love stuff like that. Not fancy just good food with simple proteins and veggies done correctly. All that and yet the though of food make my gag reflect kick in- Now there is a lovely thought- gross
Now what you are looking forward to-
The 3B'
bumps: my bump today is that I have no energy to deal with things that are not important. My classes-important. I am invested in my students, they are important. My own children are the most important- I am squeezing in a date with each one this week because this little journey is going to be hard on them and while a lot of attention will be put on me- I need them to know that they are center of my world and that I would do anything for them. Not another adult (other than their father) will come before them and definitely not thing will interferer with that.
battles: well they are kind-of one in the same- My time is being stolen. I spent 25 minutes today just getting set up with BCBS personal case manager so that for insurance questions I can go to one person not an automated system. Then another 10 minutes with a breast surgery coordinator, and 10 with gyn coordinator and 10 with a chemo coordinator. SO now they all have to talk to each other to make it come together. This is going to make out baseball schedule look like a piece of cake. I am still praying for no radiation...Fingers crossed!
My blessings: BASEBALL. 2 hours of thinking about something other than cancer. Being a proud mama. It is escape for them and me. Baseball is for most people a boring game, but for me it is a game that teaches such resilience. It is a game of failure and you are exposed 100% of the time. If you are the batter- it is you against the pitcher- all eyes on you. If you are the pitcher same thing in reverse. If you serve it up-you look bad. In the field, on bad defensive play- your done- they are being evaluated on every move. the saddest part about it is that you will fail more than you are successful. a .333 good batting average that is 3 for 10 (7 misses). OBP in 450 fantastic- means you get on base less than half of the times. 1 error- can loose the game. You can learn a lot from these boys- They will not give up-despite the fact that the odds are stacked against them. I am going to need that kind of strength.
Which brings me to the next blessing- I had a great conversation with a student today. I am blessed that I am in a school where I can say. "It is not that I am strong- it is that I know how weak I am and it is God in me that makes me strong". And she gets it- I am only as strong as Christ in me.
I am blessed so very blessed- I have spent some time pondering the things I want to say to people as I am preparing for this journey. I want those who have had an impact on my life to know it. So some of you- many of you will be getting something soon.
Tyler Gray- I am honored, humbled and blessed to have a friend like you. Momma Miles loves you dearly and I am moved by your act of service. It may seem simple to you but simple is always best.
The last blessing today is that I said no- really- I said no. I will not do that for you- NO. It was empowering-. There are lessons being learned.
todays verse that calmed me down was this one: I hope it brings you as much hope as it did me.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord,
and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken
and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken
Sunday, March 4, 2012
So yesterday, I was doing that pre-birth cleaning obsessive thing. Somehow in my mind, the house just can't be ready for me not to be able to clean it (appropriately). I realize that I have very capable men at my house that are responsible enough to see filth but there is a very clear difference between mom clean and man clean. Since I couldn't sleep I got everything done, hit home depot and fixed some things that needed to be fixed, planted an herb garden (small one), and around 5 was feeling a little depressed that this was going to be how I spent what might possibly be my last weekend with boobs. It kind of caught me off guard, truly sad. For the next 6 months, possibly longer- I am going to have the chest of a 6 year old girl. HOW DEPRESSING. I started to mope around, feeling sorry for myself and Doug decided that we would go down to universal. They have a free concert every Saturday night. Tonight is was the goo goo dolls. Thank goodness it was not last week I would have seen Boys to Men. The concert was good, but sitting and doing a little people watching at city walk was even better. I was almost tempted to create a new foto album for what should never be worn out--EVER. I am pretty aware of my body. I know that I am not a svelt super model type (never have been). I have always been a big boned girl shall we say. So from experience, I know what girls of girth should not wear. Do they not have any friends? I can excuse the Euros becasue they are after all on vacation and well, from Europe. So all the white capri, white shoe, skin tight deep V neck purple t-shirt gentlemen- You are excused. But, anyone who has lived stateside for 2 weeks should not be caught dead in leather pants and a torn t-shirt and a black sequin bra showing through- oh with TOMS and I love my TOMS. At least wear some sexy stilettos. It was a good time. A margarita or two and a delicious sushi snack later and we were heading home. All of that to say that the day ended well- but you can understand why I may not have posted yesterday.
SO today I am giving you the 3B for two days.
bumps: I am starting to have a hard time, a really hard time letting go of something I did not think I was attached to. I know that it is the right decision and actually the only logical one but- Going back to being 6 again is going to be tough.
Battle: Aside from having to be type A compulsive about organizing medical information, I am ready to get this started. I need to learn how accept help a little. Again it goes back to I take care of people- not the other way around. That is going to be really tough.
Blessing: Pink, Pink everything. I still am amazed at the outpouring of pink at school. SO blessed. I have had a friend write me two letters. I am going to spend a lot of time talking about this friend soon, so Heather, God put us together at an AP class years ago. We only spent 4 days in class together and yet God has provided me with truly a friend who is grounded in his word and a blessing for years, You are proof that HE is in control of every situation, everyday, and that He cares for us. Lori, 3 words- I love you! The house is clean- even the gout in the bathrooms. I am rested. Tomorrow I am planning, planning planning, Students beware- you will be able to take my class online- so no excuses (not literally because you are still minors so you need a sitter to make sure you stay on task) still no excuses. I am blessed. God is working on me and I know that He has placed special people for special purposes along my life for just this occasion. Much love to all
SO today I am giving you the 3B for two days.
bumps: I am starting to have a hard time, a really hard time letting go of something I did not think I was attached to. I know that it is the right decision and actually the only logical one but- Going back to being 6 again is going to be tough.
Battle: Aside from having to be type A compulsive about organizing medical information, I am ready to get this started. I need to learn how accept help a little. Again it goes back to I take care of people- not the other way around. That is going to be really tough.
Blessing: Pink, Pink everything. I still am amazed at the outpouring of pink at school. SO blessed. I have had a friend write me two letters. I am going to spend a lot of time talking about this friend soon, so Heather, God put us together at an AP class years ago. We only spent 4 days in class together and yet God has provided me with truly a friend who is grounded in his word and a blessing for years, You are proof that HE is in control of every situation, everyday, and that He cares for us. Lori, 3 words- I love you! The house is clean- even the gout in the bathrooms. I am rested. Tomorrow I am planning, planning planning, Students beware- you will be able to take my class online- so no excuses (not literally because you are still minors so you need a sitter to make sure you stay on task) still no excuses. I am blessed. God is working on me and I know that He has placed special people for special purposes along my life for just this occasion. Much love to all
Friday, March 2, 2012
pink day
So I am not going to get into the 3B's today I just have to get right into the day.
I kind of saw that my room was decorated yesterday but I had no idea what was in store for me today. As I walked to my room, I think every kid had on pink. It was a sea of pink. I felt like every student was wearing something pink. I was totally speechless. If you know me, you understand that doesn't happen. When I got to my room there was a group of 6th grade boys (whom I don't know) waiting for me, The were wearing a pink ribbon around their heads. One of them said "on a normal day- we would get beat down for wearing this" but we are committed to pray for you, we hope you are better. I was so amazingly moved. I felt so loved. There is even a wear pink on Friday for profe day on facebook- I am pretty good about staying up on things and they got me- they got me good. I must be slipping-totally missed it.
The day only got better from there- I got personalize letters, my room was filled with balloons, then I got a package from my sister, the boys sported pink on the baseball field and swung a pink maple bat, that was given to me after the game. Amazing With this kind of support, and a God who stands before me- I am invincible (maybe I will have to go get an invincible costume).
I am ready to get started now. Still waiting for the surgery date, but I will post as soon as I know.
There is now way to let these kids know how deliciously awesome they are...I am surrounded by the best and you bring out the best in me.
I kind of saw that my room was decorated yesterday but I had no idea what was in store for me today. As I walked to my room, I think every kid had on pink. It was a sea of pink. I felt like every student was wearing something pink. I was totally speechless. If you know me, you understand that doesn't happen. When I got to my room there was a group of 6th grade boys (whom I don't know) waiting for me, The were wearing a pink ribbon around their heads. One of them said "on a normal day- we would get beat down for wearing this" but we are committed to pray for you, we hope you are better. I was so amazingly moved. I felt so loved. There is even a wear pink on Friday for profe day on facebook- I am pretty good about staying up on things and they got me- they got me good. I must be slipping-totally missed it.
The day only got better from there- I got personalize letters, my room was filled with balloons, then I got a package from my sister, the boys sported pink on the baseball field and swung a pink maple bat, that was given to me after the game. Amazing With this kind of support, and a God who stands before me- I am invincible (maybe I will have to go get an invincible costume).
I am ready to get started now. Still waiting for the surgery date, but I will post as soon as I know.
There is now way to let these kids know how deliciously awesome they are...I am surrounded by the best and you bring out the best in me.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Here is is..A little late on the posting tonight because I needed to make myself a tasty treat and didn't get home from baseball till a little late. So here goes-
All in all a good day- with the exception that I was a complete blonde today. Drove all the way to my appointment with my plastics guy only to realize that I left my purse at school. Such a blonde. Actually, I was in a hurry and got my papers to grade while I waited, the ipad to input grades but the idea to have a licence while driving or an ID for medical did not cross my mind. I feel like I have the pregnancy forgetfulness syndrome.
Here is a funny- My plastics guy's name is Kevin Chen. He is from Salem OH. Not far from Lordstown OH. We laughed for a while when I inappropriately asked- "Salem, really Salem- home of the fighting Quakers (which is its own joke), There is no Asian population in Salem." I knew I would like him because he popped back with " I know it is a South Park episode in the making- My dad is the OBGYN and the other Asian family the Wong's run the Chinese restaurant"; I paused for a while and said so the Korean family run the Chinese restautant? He laughed hysterically and said yes but it was Salem - They just know we are Asian.
He was really good and young. This surgery is kind of scary. I am not sure why anyone who did not have to would subject themselves to it. That surgery will not happen until after I have been though Chemo. So I have a break-It will be at least a 6 week recovery period.
My Three B's
Bumps: Found out I only 13 have sick days. Major illness put such stress on a families income. This is something that is going to stress Doug completely out. Insurance doesn't cover 4 dollar gas to a doctors office that is miles away, tolls to get there, and then parking. Every visit is going to be a least 15 dollars before I have walked in the door.
Battle: Oh this one is funny because it is all about humility. I am going to have a battle with self confidence and I was made very aware of this when I am having pictures of me being taken for reference during surgery. As the snap shots were being taken in front of 1 student doctor and a nurse-doc here is explaining that he has to take this because your weight is not displaced the same while laying down as if I was unaware. So very uncomfortable. Pretty sure I have seen where these things go when they are not contained. SO AWKWARD.
Blessings: John's baseball team has ribbons on the batting helmets, my room was decorated today, they let me see the surgeon today despite not having id. I am surrounded by praying people. I got a nap and was able to get all the food prepped for Varsity grill tomorrow. Got a beautiful letter from a dear friend and a card from a great family in San Diego. Had a nice chat with a student tonight and was able to solidify that I am not strong- I am strong because of where I get my strength.
I am uncomfortable having attention placed on me- I am not the only one going through this and I am willing to wear my emotions on my sleeve. The good ones, the bad ones, the mean ones, and the vulnerable ones. They are all there. I am working on a Saturday sermon so get ready. today though- I am glad that God promised trials, for through trials comes perseverance and perseverance builds character and with that there is hope- and that is what I have.
All in all a good day- with the exception that I was a complete blonde today. Drove all the way to my appointment with my plastics guy only to realize that I left my purse at school. Such a blonde. Actually, I was in a hurry and got my papers to grade while I waited, the ipad to input grades but the idea to have a licence while driving or an ID for medical did not cross my mind. I feel like I have the pregnancy forgetfulness syndrome.
Here is a funny- My plastics guy's name is Kevin Chen. He is from Salem OH. Not far from Lordstown OH. We laughed for a while when I inappropriately asked- "Salem, really Salem- home of the fighting Quakers (which is its own joke), There is no Asian population in Salem." I knew I would like him because he popped back with " I know it is a South Park episode in the making- My dad is the OBGYN and the other Asian family the Wong's run the Chinese restaurant"; I paused for a while and said so the Korean family run the Chinese restautant? He laughed hysterically and said yes but it was Salem - They just know we are Asian.
He was really good and young. This surgery is kind of scary. I am not sure why anyone who did not have to would subject themselves to it. That surgery will not happen until after I have been though Chemo. So I have a break-It will be at least a 6 week recovery period.
My Three B's
Bumps: Found out I only 13 have sick days. Major illness put such stress on a families income. This is something that is going to stress Doug completely out. Insurance doesn't cover 4 dollar gas to a doctors office that is miles away, tolls to get there, and then parking. Every visit is going to be a least 15 dollars before I have walked in the door.
Battle: Oh this one is funny because it is all about humility. I am going to have a battle with self confidence and I was made very aware of this when I am having pictures of me being taken for reference during surgery. As the snap shots were being taken in front of 1 student doctor and a nurse-doc here is explaining that he has to take this because your weight is not displaced the same while laying down as if I was unaware. So very uncomfortable. Pretty sure I have seen where these things go when they are not contained. SO AWKWARD.
Blessings: John's baseball team has ribbons on the batting helmets, my room was decorated today, they let me see the surgeon today despite not having id. I am surrounded by praying people. I got a nap and was able to get all the food prepped for Varsity grill tomorrow. Got a beautiful letter from a dear friend and a card from a great family in San Diego. Had a nice chat with a student tonight and was able to solidify that I am not strong- I am strong because of where I get my strength.
I am uncomfortable having attention placed on me- I am not the only one going through this and I am willing to wear my emotions on my sleeve. The good ones, the bad ones, the mean ones, and the vulnerable ones. They are all there. I am working on a Saturday sermon so get ready. today though- I am glad that God promised trials, for through trials comes perseverance and perseverance builds character and with that there is hope- and that is what I have.
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